Let not eBay's left hand know what eBay's right hand is doing

So I try to sign into my eBay account, but apparently my password - the same password I've been using quite a lot lately, bidding on baby stuff - is incorrect. So I try to reset.
I get an email with a link. I click the link. It wants my username. I enter it.
It tells me that is an invalid username.
I check it. I check the username in the eBay email, just to be sure. It's definitely the right username.
I copy/paste the username from that email.
Still invalid.
I click on "Get help". It is not helpful.
I enter eBay as a guest so I can look for more help. I click "contact us".
It bumps me back to the login page. I guess only eBay members are allowed to contact eBay.
I am an eBay member. I am currently bidding on a number of items, in fact. I know perfectly well what my username is, and I'm pretty sure of my password too, but eBay doesn't believe me. Even though its own emails use that name.

Conundrum.

Baby Jekyll & Hyde; or, Diary of a Learner Mum

[Originally posted on springonmars. Shameless recycling of content R us.]

Day 1.
Had baby. Hurt. Hospital left baby in cot by my bed all night long. Are they kidding? I do not know how to drive this thing. Three other mums and babies in ward; none of them cried half as much as my baby. Very embarrassing. Want to go home now please. (Will take baby with if I have to.)
s
Day 2.
At home. Baby still crying. Will figure this out. Husband displaying signs of Superdaddy talents; I knew he had it in him.

Day 4.
Baby STILL crying. Apparently Superdaddy needs to sleep occasionally. This breastfeeding thing really bloody hurts; also, must I really wake up every 2-3 hours to feed baby? Doesn’t seem fair.

Day 5.
Progress! We have succeeded in getting baby to fall asleep in her own basket. Eventually. Have been advised to let her cry for 10 minutes before going to her. It seems to work but those are 10 very long minutes. Feel so cruel!

Day 8.
We are damn fine parents. Baby is falling asleep faster every night and is spending less and less time crying after the 5am feed. Getting into routine. We have clean laundry and everything. Sweet baby! I see the point of these little critters at last. Warm, cuddly, smell nice. Pull cute faces.

Day 12.
So lucky to have angel baby. Sleeps like a dream. Feeds like a little barracuda, but that’s good, not too much time on breast. Perfectly trained to go to bed and stay quiet. Looks so pretty too. Well done us. We have this thing nailed.

Day 13.
Well buggernuts. Superdaddy had to run errands and clearly baby missed him a lot. Cranky all afternoon. Not feeding well - keeps popping off to have a good cry. Not very polite or politic, baby, dissing the food supply like that. But I understand, you just had a bad day. Poor little thing.

Day 15.
Superdaddy has been back at work two days and baby has turned into demon. What happened? Don’t you remember how to sleep? It’s easy, look, I’ll show you… OH WAIT I CAN’T YOU WON’T LET ME.

10-minute rule not working so well any more. Fell asleep despite screams and let baby yell for 30 minutes. Whoops.

Day 17.
Baby just as much of demon when Superdaddy is home. Nothing will calm her, nothing. I wouldn’t mind needing to give full-time attention if she at least showed some sign of enjoying it, but no, cuddles mean nothing to her! Nothing! In fact she screams all the louder. I think she hates me. I think she resents having to rely on me for food. I really do.

Day 19.
I am the worst mummy ever. Baby has made that abundantly clear, and let’s face it, she is too young to lie. Nothing will purge the shame. Have ordered Japanese sword online (one of the few things I can do while trying to rock cranky baby to sleep with one arm). Have made baby a solemn vow: as soon as she is weaned I will commit harakiri. Am not telling Superdaddy as he might object to being left in sole charge of demon. I mean baby.

Day 20.
Suicide vow seems to have appeased demon baby. Either that or yesterday’s mondo crying jag exhausted her; either way she slept through the night almost solidly for 13 hours (minus 45 min midnight feed and nappy change). Mostly calm today, though very hungry. Taken up weird new way of playing with nipple when she’s finished feeding. Baby has very odd sense of humour.

Day 21.
I did it, I did it! Cuddled crying baby into calm sleepiness - and it took only 2 minutes! And I swear she enjoyed it! And she slept so well last night! And is so sweet this morning! SHE LIKES ME SHE REALLY LIKES ME!

Must check returns policy on sword purchase.

Alive and laughing

I did not die in childbirth! Here's the proof.

But really I just needed to share two things of great hilarity. First, sloths on the tube.

Second, squirrels in the toilet. Or Weetabix. Or Creme Eggs. Beware!

Now going back underground. Or to put Scrooblet to sleep. Or something.

Now with added stupidity

Thanks to Jill for pointing me to Not Always Right, a source of great entertainment, a warm sense of familiarity and Deep Thought.* Well, maybe not so much the Deep Thought part. But this bit does tie in to something I was talking to Beloved about this morning.

See, he bought a tube of toothpaste. (How's that for an intro! You're agog to know what happens next, aren't you?) Anyway, different brand to the usual, and I took one look at it and identified it as American. For why? Because the tube features the instruction: "Squeeze tube from end." (And another line to the same effect, that I forget. I'm not going to check or photograph it, like a good blogger, because Beloved is sleeping off night shift and I'd only disturb him.) Now, I am very sorry my Yankee friends, but there is something deeply American about spelling out how to use a toothpaste tube. No? This is not exactly high technology.

I should point out that Beloved disagrees with me. He thinks this is a very sensible thing to put on the tube, because "so many people get it wrong and the tube ends up a horrible mess when it's squeezed in the middle, which is Just Wrong!" Which is all very well, but really: is it necessary to tell the consumer how not to make a mess? Can they not be left to form their own habits and have their own domestic squabbles about who is doing it right or wrong? (Did you know that there is a Right and a Wrong way to hang a toilet roll? Uh huh. I bet a comment poll would reveal that many of you agree with this in principle, but you'd differ on which way was the Only Right Way.)

So I was trying to figure out the rationale behind printing this on the tube. It strikes me as excessively patronising, but without any clear purpose. I mean, "Warning: Coffee is hot!" is also pretty damn patronising. But you know that the companies putting up those signs are doing it to cover their ass, because as seen above, people will sue. I don't really see any health and safety issues with the toothpaste tube, though. Thoughts?

_____
* But this one just makes me sad, because she is clearly disturbed.

Darth Wader

From explainthisimage.com, via Non-Working Monkey.

I don't actually want to explain the images though. I think I really prefer them without the captions. There's not enough unapologetic surrealism in the world.

Excuse me ma'am, do you have a licence to drive that internet?

I really shouldn't be writing this.

It's not nice to laugh at stupid people. And it's *really* not nice to call a customer stupid.

But REALLY.

I've received a couple of very irate emails from an American customer, wanting to know why she had been charged $90 instead of $62 for her order. Of course, the order total actually came to £62. It's all down to the miracle of global commerce.

Now, on Ravelry and in email, I have been accused of being "very sneakkkkyyyyyy" and of practising deception on my poor unsuspecting customers by not spelling out that my BRITISH site uses BRITISH currency. I am not sure exactly how much more spelling out is required. Consider:
- the domain name ends in co.uk - I even put that in my online ads, to make it clearer for forruners who might happen to see the ads
- all prices everywhere, including order totals etc, are clearly marked with a £ symbol
- foreign addresses at checkout trigger the options to choose between "international airmail" and "international surface mail"
- etc, etc, etc...

So I was a little bit gobsmacked. However, there are more clues that this poor woman is - shall we say - a few stitches short of a sock. Consider:
- her Rav name includes a misspelled version of a word meaning insane
- she claims she was cheated out of $40 (90 minus 62? Hm)
- the best part? She is furious that my evil, scheming, deceptive shop did not show that the prices were in "England dollars".

So HA HA HAAAAA. You're stupid. I win.

(Man, my tolerance levels have just gone right down the tube since getting knocked up...)

Insert eye rolling here

Inevitably, there's now a (whole lot of) Christian bus ads to respond to the "atheist" (more agnostic, really) bus ads responding to the original, perhaps overly aggressive Christian bus ads.

Interesting to note that the Advertising Standards Authority had received hundreds of complaints that the (frankly rather sweet) "atheist" ad was "offensive to Christians" and, most puzzlingly, the "no God" claim could not be substantiated.

Hm. What was that slogan again exactly?


And people really thought they could argue with the "facts" of a fuzzy little statement like "probably no God"? But presumably these complainers have no objection to the Christian ads, eg "There is DEFINITELY a God, BELIEVE"? I suspect the ASA is in for quite a headache...

PS For a much more lovable Christian response, see here.