I smaak you china!

A South African love poem, with annotations*.

I smaak you stukkend**, please say you'll be mine,
You're my moon, my stars, my Camps Bay*** sunshine.
Better than a degree from WITS or RAU****,
Better than a proper Durban bunnychow*****.

You're my beaded love letter***** **, my breeze in the night,
You're my tea, my koeksister***** ***, my Blitz firelight***** ****
You're my Discovery, my Tracker, my ADT***** *****
My pap***** ***** *, Mrs Balls Chutney, my Nandos***** ***** ** for free,

You're my lamb chop, my chakalaka***** ***** ***, my partner in crime,
My chilli, my roti, my samoosa sublime***** ***** ****.
The list is just endless and that isn't all.
You're my Lotto jackpot, my Bioplus***** ***** *****, who needs zol***** ***** ***** *?

Biscuit, you're my 4X4 when the road is hilly,
You're the Clover pure butter on my mielie***** ***** ***** **.
One look from you and I can float to the sky
I feel like the Springboks***** ***** ***** *** have just scored a try.

At this rate Kulula's***** ***** ***** ***** popularity might die,
'Cos for me you're the only and best way to fly :)
And this, my snoekie***** ***** ***** ***** *, is only the start,
'Cos you've taken the cable car***** ***** ***** ***** ** straight to my heart!

Forget Patricia, Amor and Winnie the ex-wife***** ***** ***** ***** ***
'Cos, babe, you're the tomato sauce on the slap chips***** ***** ***** ***** **** of my life!

_____
* Not written by me. Thanks to my friend Pip for sending it on. Note: so many annotations, I'm breaking the stars up into constellations of five. Pretty, no?
** Lit. "I like you broken". But it sounds a lot less creepy in Saffer. It does not, for instance, mean "I like you in a broken format"; rather, it suggests that the poet likes his inamorata to the point of brokenness. His love for her (or hers for him, or hers for her, or his for him — in the interests of simplicity, feminism and bloodymindedness I propose to assume a female lesbian poet from now on) is so extreme, he — sorry, she — feels destroyed by the strength of her passion. But in a cute way.
*** Cape Town's most popular beach, being long, sandy and facing into the sunset, with very expensive real estate on the mountainside above. The water is notoriously icy, but the sunshine, we are to take it, is quality.
**** The University of the Witwatersrand and the Rand Afrikaans University, respectively. We are to take it that the poet is a Joburger. (There's no burger like a Joburger!)
***** Further proof that the poet is from Gauteng, since only Gautengorangs****** actually like Durban. A bunnychow, however, everybody likes. It consists of a hollowed out half-loaf of bread, filled with slap chips (see below) and, possibly, sauce. Mmmmm. Carb overload. KFC in South Africa was selling chicken bunnychows, last I saw. Bunnychows are not only sold in Durban but are perhaps associated with the Indian population there. I'm not sure.
***** * Pejorative term
***** ** Beading is a traditional Zulu craft; bracelets etc are often made with special messages encoded in the colour and placement of the beads. A bracelet might often be beaded with romantic messages as a gift and love letter in one.
***** *** A tooth-achingly sweet pastry: dough twisted into a braid and soaked in syrup. Fantastic.
***** **** Much used at that great South African tribal gathering, the braai.
***** ***** Hi-tech anti-hijacking systems. If you live in Gauteng, you will be hijacked or have your car stolen at some point. It's a given.
***** ***** * Mielie-pap: corn porridge. African staple diet.
***** ***** ** Popular chicken restaurant/takeaway. Styles itself Portuguese but is really more Mozambican. Peri-peri sauce. Great ads, chicken only okay. Has expanded to London and, I believe, Israel.
***** ***** *** Spicy sauce, usually eaten with pap.
***** ***** **** SA has a large Indian population and hence, lots of Indian food. Strangely, though, curry has not quite taken over the way it has in London.
***** ***** ***** Vitamin-rich "aid to concentration" targeted at students and other desperate sleep-deprived types. Pretty sure it's mostly caffeine.
***** ***** ***** * Marijuana.
***** ***** ***** ** Corn. See "pap".
***** ***** ***** *** The national rugby team, also known as amaBokoBoko. There are periodic mutterings about changing the name to something less strongly associated with the Bad Old Days of apartheid, but it'll never happen***** ***** ***** ****. Even if it does, they'll still be the Boks.
***** ***** ***** **** Even as I type this, I'm expecting a flood of comments telling me it already has.
***** ***** ***** ***** SA's budget airline.
***** ***** ***** ***** * Snoek is a Cape fish of remarkably strong flavour, often eaten smoked, which makes the taste and aroma even more pungent. I'm pretty sure our lesbian poetess isn't being crude, though, so put that disgusting thought right out of your head.
***** ***** ***** ***** ** That would be the cable car that takes you to the top of Table Mountain. A great ride, by the way, I recommend it.
***** ***** ***** ***** *** Ok, gonna need some help here, I've been away too long. Winnie is of course Winnie Mandela. Amor, I seem to recall, was a TV presenter — the Lotto I think? Patricia... who?
***** ***** ***** ***** **** French fries. "Slap" is an Afrikaans word, pronounced "slup", and connoting hot, greasy, salty goodness. Naturally, while good slap chips are one of the experiences that make life worthwhile, lots of thick All Gold tomato sauce is their essential, inseparable partner, so I think we can all agree that this is a truly romantic sentiment.

TWENTY-FOUR FOOTNOTES. I'll never beat that.
However, I would like to assure you all that I did not post this just for the footnoting opportunities. Really. I didn't. I swear.