Sunday, February 24, 2008

Hedges: without them, we'd be no better than the damn French (and plus they'd beat us up)

[More from Estates Gazette, 1884]

The British hedgerow is a national institution. Without it, or its equivalent in stonewall countries, an English landscape might, for any difference striking enough to catch the passing eye, be a Belgian or a French one. The peculiar golden green of flax crops, the snowy expanses of beck wheat, and the red broad veins of the tobacco leaf may occur, it is true, less often, or not at all, in English acres to diversify the agricultural outlook from a railway car. But these are details. Whereas the presence of hedgerows trailing one after another past the carriage windows is full, to the Englishman returning from his travels, of wakening reminiscences of home-life in England, nowhere else. The national idea of comfort and secluded cosiness as the equivalent for happiness has been traced from time to time to many things, but a philosophic mind should see no difficulty in digging up the roots of the national sentiment from the bottom of the quick-set hedges that shelter each homestead from blasting winds and peering strangers.

Take an English cottage, with its little garden surrounded by an hedge, a cornfield on one side surrounded by a hedge, a pasture on the other surrounded by a hedge, an orchard at the back surrounded by a hedge, and a highway in front hedged in on both sides, and we have ample ground for supposing that cosiness, homeliness, and all the domestic virtues could not fail to take root and flourish in such a pot. Take away the hedges, and we have only a solitary cottage standing prominently out to the public gaze in a wide plain by the side of a public road. At once we can understand how the inhabitants of such a homestead, feeling that their every action is more or less performed in public, that their houses can be criticised from roof to basement by each curious passerby, and here at once we have the ground-work of the Continental weakness for out-of-door display and showy publicity. When, further, it is remembered that the two classes of dwelling have been for ages characteristic of whole countries, we can imagine how the instincts thus engendered have developed into national features more marked than any other, though only a few miles of sea may separate the owners…

Another argument, too, should not be forgotten. Patriotism, it is true, is getting out of date, but a famous English general has said, and it was greatly to his credit, that no invading army, battles of Dorking and Guildford notwithstanding, could ever reach London in the face of our volunteers and our hedges. Each highway, each orchard, each potato field would have to be sown thick with corpses and ploughed deep with cannon shot before the enemy could pass. Now, just when the Channel Tunnel scheme, scotched, but not killed, is recovering strength in secret to rear its head again in public, is a bad time to speak of abolishing what, next to the seas around these islands, is the main protection of our island home.

Speaking out against the bridge and tunnel crowd

[From Estates Gazette, 1883]

We rejoice that the Channel Tunnel scheme has been rejected. The people in England would indeed be idiots to in any way injure or destroy our insular position.

Without doubt we should have been overwhelmed by the continental armies if we had not that natural fortification of that "little silver belt" round us. We should thank God for such a safeguard and let well alone.

Some highly gifted man has proposed a bridge over the channel! What next?

Friday, February 22, 2008

Things that are Wrong with this week

1) Beloved is on night shift. That's just always Wrong. (And messes with my own sleep patterns.)

2) I had to get up at 6.30am yesterday to pack orders. Again, Wrong. I'm not complaining about the orders themselves, obv - they are coming in thick and fast and if they weren't I'd be in trouble - but still... that is a Wrong time of day.

3) On Monday, I undertook my first ever business trip. Now, I've always wanted to have a job that required me to travel. I know that it frequently sucks, involving Wrong times of day and so on, but it also takes you to see cool places for free, right? Well. My first business trip. And it was (a) to Birmingham, (b) paid for by me, and (c) did I mention to *Birmingham*? Actually, not even that. It was to the NEC. Which is basically An Airport (even though I got there by train) and could have been anywhere in the whole world as long as that somewhere is depressing.

I did make a point of travelling into town proper, though, because I'm sad enough to want to see the snakeskin spaceship, as absolutely nobody calls it. (Selfridges, I mean.)

Anyway. Spending £60 of my own money and hours of my own time - with a cold - to go to Birmingham. Wrong.

4. It's past midnight and I'm not in bed yet. Because I haven't quite got around to going to bed. Because then I'll just go to sleep and wake up and have to do far too much work again, just like every other day. Wrong. Of me. Very, very, very stupid. Well.

5. Having completed the entire back and side front of a jacket I'm knitting, I decided I'd got the size completely wrong and must start again. Because I just have sooo much time to knit, it's fun to waste it doing everything Wrong.

6. On telling Beloved the above, he said: "That's why you never get anywhere. You keep on doing everything wrong and starting again." He was on the other end of a phone line so I couldn't hit him. WRONG.

On the other hand. Have a little comic relief.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Would you take driving lessons...

...from the Impact Group?

How about booking a trip with Impact Coach Hire?

Perhaps appropriately, I can't link to this very real company because Google is warning me that "this site may harm your computer".

*sigh*

Friday, February 08, 2008

We can haz house!

It is Not Right that lolcats has infiltrated my speech patterns. Just Not Right.

Be that as it may, we appear to have successfully bamboozled one of London's All-Powerful Networks of Evil* into giving us a house. (Well, not so much giving, more extorting spare kidneys for, but whatev.) If you believe the marketing guff, it is in fact a "luxury villa" in "fine surroundings", but then if you believe the marketing guff...

Natheless. Four bedrooms, people. I shall be selling SO MUCH WOOL. (I'll have to, to pay for the damn thing.) Also, that leaves room for guests. This Means You! (Probably.) Also, and more importantly, there will be a housewarming. Yay!

Carry on having a fine weekend, then. I know I will.

_____
* Lettings agencies

Monday, February 04, 2008

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Saturday, February 02, 2008

The darling buds of January



I seem have a habit of accumulating pictures on my phone for weeks at a stretch, before I finally take the time to download them, and then it may be even longer before I actually get around to using them in some way.

So it is that by the time I post this - which I took on a very cold morning, amazed at the optimism of this hedge - fresh buds and leaves are seriously old news. Ah well. It's still pretty.

Conquering the Jakobshorn (by Scroobious Mountain Tamer)*


Day One. We arrive at our destination in fine weather. The Jakobshorn looms proudly over Davos: Fear Me, she seems to warn. I Will Not Bow to You. I remember my last encounter with her; an arduous climb in the heat of summer. I succeeded that time. Will she remember? Will she respect me?

Having stowed our provisions, my Gurkha and I venture onto the foothills in an exploratory excursion. I am pleased to discover that my practice a year ago has not been entirely forgotten. I retire basking in the confidence that I am well placed to launch this fresh onslaught.


Day Two. We wake to a veritable blizzard. There will be no attack on the Witch of Davos today. Instead we go in search of equipment (I am lucky enough to find a local merchant willing to part with some old and some new goods at a most advantageous price) and devise a battle plan. At twilight, we stroll up the Schatzalp, opposite our target, and gaze upon her. She disdains to acknowledge our regard. Ha! You will regret your vanity, Witch!

Day Three. The day starts well; the first phase, down in the foothills, passes off very successfully. The Gurkha is impressed with my progress, unpractised as I am, and patiently teaches me new skill. My new equipment is performing well. Emboldened, we ascend to the higher slopes.


The problems start almost immediately. The new boots are suddenly crippling. The skis are too long. The slopes are too high, too long, too steep. I can feel how the Jakobshorn is bending her dark powers to destroy me - how, till now, she has merely been mocking us, allowing us foolishly to imagine her unprepared for battle - and I am not strong enough to withstand her. I weep.


At midnight, our final companion arrives. Pippa Snow Glider is sobered to hear of our inglorious misadventures of the day, but still hopeful. "Did you not kick back?" she asks, when I relate how the Witch kicked me that day. I am speechless. Has she not observed that the mountain is bigger than me?

But ultimately, I confess, I am cheered by her encouragement, and by the addition to our numbers.

Day Four.
We spend the day in the foothills again, honing our skills. I have realised at last the dangers of hubris. Pip and I practise with our minds jointly focused on one task: we must build our strength. We must perfect our skill. We must defeat the Jakobshorn.


The Snow Glider's greater experience is most helpful. I take comfort in her courage and optimism - and in the continuing patience and encouragement of our most noble Gurkha. Intimately familiar as he is with the ways of the mountain, I know we can trust him. Even if we do not succeed this time in conquering the Jakobshorn, I am sure that she will not finally defeat us.


Day Five. We have progressed well, and decide the time has come to broach the upper slopes. No attack today - we will merely aim to better acquaint ourselves with the territory. Our respectful approach seems to calm the Jakobshorn, and she refrains from wreaking dark havoc on us this day. This is an excellent outcome. We retire at last greatly cheered, and prepare for the final day's challenges.

Day Six. Today is our last opportunity to defeat the Witch of Davos, but it is vital not to overreach ourselves. We spend the first part of the day in the same way as before: in careful practice and mastery of our skill. At last, when the day is almost done, the time has come.

The Snow Glider chooses not to stand beside me for the final onslaught; she recognises that this fight is mine alone. My faithful Gurkha, of course, is with me. We drink a ceremonial rumpunsch, and as the slopes empty in the early sunset light, we join battle.


Our strength is truly much greater now, and the initial phases go well. I take a few blows, but am not slowed. As the light slowly fades, I revel in my power and mastery over the mountain. Further we strike - and further. The battle is almost won, I am certain, when the Witch launches one last attack: the blackest of slopes is suddenly before me. And in perfectly witchy manner, it is reached just as the last gondola is preparing to descend from the halfway station of Ischalp. Pistenkontrolle, the Witch's familiar, stands beside me. Will you continue in this foolishness? he asks. Or will you accept defeat gracefully?

No! I will succeed or perish!

And so we descend - painfully, taking blow after blow from this treacherous slope, as the Witch throws her all at us. But this week has hardened my resolve to tempered steel, and I will not be turned from my purpose.

At last we make it through this final barrier - and victory is in sight. Yet I cannot rest. The Witch is bloodied and beaten; she knows she is defeated, but I have to finish it. The last stage of the battle is agonising; no more blows descend on me, but my body is screaming with the pain of those that came before, and most of all with exhaustion. I hear behind me the ominous hiss of Pistenkontrolle, his resentment of his mistress's humbling. It is unnerving, but he can do nothing to me now.


And so at last we reach the bottom. I gaze upon the once-proud visage of the Jakobshorn. Once I climbed all the way from the very bottom to the very top; today, I skied right from the peak to the valley. No more can she be called the Witch of Davos...

...from now on, the Jakobshorn is my bitch.

_____
* It's possible that none of this will make sense to anyone who wasn't actually with me last week. I hope that it will at least ring a bell or two with anyone who's ever been a beginner skier.