Baby Jekyll & Hyde; or, Diary of a Learner Mum

[Originally posted on springonmars. Shameless recycling of content R us.]

Day 1.
Had baby. Hurt. Hospital left baby in cot by my bed all night long. Are they kidding? I do not know how to drive this thing. Three other mums and babies in ward; none of them cried half as much as my baby. Very embarrassing. Want to go home now please. (Will take baby with if I have to.)
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Day 2.
At home. Baby still crying. Will figure this out. Husband displaying signs of Superdaddy talents; I knew he had it in him.

Day 4.
Baby STILL crying. Apparently Superdaddy needs to sleep occasionally. This breastfeeding thing really bloody hurts; also, must I really wake up every 2-3 hours to feed baby? Doesn’t seem fair.

Day 5.
Progress! We have succeeded in getting baby to fall asleep in her own basket. Eventually. Have been advised to let her cry for 10 minutes before going to her. It seems to work but those are 10 very long minutes. Feel so cruel!

Day 8.
We are damn fine parents. Baby is falling asleep faster every night and is spending less and less time crying after the 5am feed. Getting into routine. We have clean laundry and everything. Sweet baby! I see the point of these little critters at last. Warm, cuddly, smell nice. Pull cute faces.

Day 12.
So lucky to have angel baby. Sleeps like a dream. Feeds like a little barracuda, but that’s good, not too much time on breast. Perfectly trained to go to bed and stay quiet. Looks so pretty too. Well done us. We have this thing nailed.

Day 13.
Well buggernuts. Superdaddy had to run errands and clearly baby missed him a lot. Cranky all afternoon. Not feeding well - keeps popping off to have a good cry. Not very polite or politic, baby, dissing the food supply like that. But I understand, you just had a bad day. Poor little thing.

Day 15.
Superdaddy has been back at work two days and baby has turned into demon. What happened? Don’t you remember how to sleep? It’s easy, look, I’ll show you… OH WAIT I CAN’T YOU WON’T LET ME.

10-minute rule not working so well any more. Fell asleep despite screams and let baby yell for 30 minutes. Whoops.

Day 17.
Baby just as much of demon when Superdaddy is home. Nothing will calm her, nothing. I wouldn’t mind needing to give full-time attention if she at least showed some sign of enjoying it, but no, cuddles mean nothing to her! Nothing! In fact she screams all the louder. I think she hates me. I think she resents having to rely on me for food. I really do.

Day 19.
I am the worst mummy ever. Baby has made that abundantly clear, and let’s face it, she is too young to lie. Nothing will purge the shame. Have ordered Japanese sword online (one of the few things I can do while trying to rock cranky baby to sleep with one arm). Have made baby a solemn vow: as soon as she is weaned I will commit harakiri. Am not telling Superdaddy as he might object to being left in sole charge of demon. I mean baby.

Day 20.
Suicide vow seems to have appeased demon baby. Either that or yesterday’s mondo crying jag exhausted her; either way she slept through the night almost solidly for 13 hours (minus 45 min midnight feed and nappy change). Mostly calm today, though very hungry. Taken up weird new way of playing with nipple when she’s finished feeding. Baby has very odd sense of humour.

Day 21.
I did it, I did it! Cuddled crying baby into calm sleepiness - and it took only 2 minutes! And I swear she enjoyed it! And she slept so well last night! And is so sweet this morning! SHE LIKES ME SHE REALLY LIKES ME!

Must check returns policy on sword purchase.