Husband management 101

My major achievement of the weekend: getting Beloved to buy a new phone. He has been talking about it for six months to a year; his existing phone is so unreliable, there's not much point to carrying it; it hasn't happened. The New Phone Campaign finally bore fruit - but it wasn't easy.

I give you a summarised transcript. Bear in mind, this cycle was repeated at length, over the course of several months leading up to the final act.

BELOVED: I need a new phone.
SCROOBIOUS: Yes you do.
B: I could get a phone with cool stuff on it.
S: Yes you could.
B: Cool phones are expensive.
S: Yes they are. You could get a basic phone, since all you really use it for is texting, and Snake is enough to keep you happy on the games front.
B: No. I could get a cool phone for very little on a contract.
S: *sigh* Yes you could. Here's some deals for you to look at.
[insert research period]

B: Contracts are expensive.
S: Yes they are.
B: They start at £15 or £20, and that doesn't even include free texts.
S: Right. So you're just paying for the phone. And at that price, you could buy the phone upfront in a few months.
B: Right. I could just get a pay-as-you-go phone.
S: Yes you could. Here's some deals for you to look at.
[insert research period]

B: Prepay phones aren't much cheaper.
S: No they're not.
B: And they're SIM-locked.
S: Yes they are. You could get a phone on your current network, or you could get any phone and have it unlocked easily. Or you could get a SIM-free phone for much the same price.
B: Right. I should look into that.
[insert waiting period]

S: So have you found a phone?
B: No I haven't.
S: Thought not. Here's some deals for you to look at.
B: Ooh! Cool!
[insert waiting period]

S: So have you found a phone yet?
B: Er...
S: *sigh* Have you looked at the deals I showed you?
B: Er, yes.
S: Did you like any?
B: Er... don't remember.
S: *sigh*
B: Look, I just need to do some more research. Just, er, not right now. I have very important and pressing things to do.
S: Like get a phone that works.
B: You know, actually I don't need a phone.
S: !!!!!!!!!
B: Er...
[insert waiting period. Rinse, repeat.]

All of this repeated itself at intervals until this weekend. After having revisited most of the above conversation on Friday, we had to go into town on Saturday, and since we *happened* to be walking down Oxford Street, I suggested we might as well pop into a few phone shops.

[enter phone shop]
S: Look, here are the prepay phones.
B: Oh. [wanders off to the shiny phones] These are nicer.
S: *sigh* Yes. Those are the contract phones.
B: Oh. [grabs salesperson] Tell me about your contracts.
S: !!!!!!!!!

After a few of these little visits, I informed Beloved that he WOULD have a phone by the end of the day. His frothy laughter did nothing to soothe my ire. We stopped going into shops. However! Later, we were at my office, so that I could do some work and he could research broadband providers. I finished my work; of course he wasn't finished. I did a little Kelkoo-ing. Eventually he was approximately done with the broadband research [insert cyclical conversations much like the above, but that's another story].

S: Look what I did. I found some great SIM-free phone deals.
B: Ooooh! Cool! How sweet and lovely of you.
S: Yes. Look here.
[insert lengthy conversation as BELOVED looks up user reviews of each phone, and suggests other phone models for me to find deals on]
B: This is fun.
S: Yes. Do you like any of these?
B: Oh yes, well... but I'm not supposed to be making up my mind yet am I?
S: You're supposed to be about five minutes away from placing an order.
B: [mouth opens and closes. No sound.]
S: I do mean that.
B: Er - right. [faces screen with new intensity]

[more discussions, browsing etc. Choices are narrowed down to five. The shortlist is compared in terms of phone features, user ratings and value. Mini-cycle of the following conversation is repeated a few times - S: "Right, so phone A is better than phone B, and cheaper. So we can cross phone B off." B: *squeak!*]

B: Okay, I think we have a winner. I want the N-Gage.
S: Okay. I'm placing an order.
B: Okay.
[insert web form filling period]
S: Okay. I'm about to hit the button.
B: Wait!
S: ...
B: The games for N-Gage cost about £20 each.
S: Do you need a lot of games?
B: I'm going to spend a lot of money on games.
S: Hm.
B: I think I want the cheap phone.
S: Okay.