How to learn to ski

1. Choose your venue.
You can learn to ski on proper mountains an' all, while on a skiing holiday, or you can get lessons on an artificial slope before your holiday. Proper mountains are of course the prettiest, but you'll spend half your holiday doing idiotic tricks like hopping over your skis because the instructors have placed bets on which one has the most gullible lot of newbies.*

Artificial slopes come in two flavours: outdoors (using weird "snow-like" surfaces; personally I've never seen black, bristly snow, but what do I know)** or indoors (using actual snow). Both of these lack a certain glamour, but on the plus side, they're cheaper than proper ski resorts. Also, they are more likely to offer a fast-track 8-hour Ski in a Day lesson, as for instance at Milton Keynes.***

If you plump for this option, your friends will laugh at you and assure you it can't be done and you'll be exhausted by lunchtime and you're crazy. To them I say: "HA HA HAHAHAAA OUCH omigodihurtallover ouchy ouchy."

2. Wear proper gear
You need warm and waterproof clothing. The waterproof part is important, unless you're on one of those weird dry slopes. There may be some falling over involved. You can wear your own (remember to bring dry clothes to change into at the end of the day), you can hire suitable jackets etc, or you can borrow your boyfriend's at the last minute. I recommend the last option, since not only does it save you money, but with judicious application of snow, you can ensure that his jacket is far too wet for him to wear on the trip back home. It is important that he should suffer some discomfort, because he is going to be laughing at you (and possibly poking your bruises in a particularly sadistic fashion) for at least three days.

Depending on the rules of the slope, you may also have to wear a helmet. Even if it is not compulsory, do take one if you can get it. The great advantage of the helmet is that to some degree, it provides a cloak of anonymity, thus delaying the inevitable point at which the snow patrollers realise that you were at the centre of every one of the day's most spectacular pile-ups. With luck, and a really ugly helmet,**** you can delay this discovery until the end of your session, thus avoiding an embarrassing escort out and ban from the slopes.

3. Listen to your instructor. Watch your instructor. Obey your instructor.
Except when he says "You — you're looking good, follow me up to the number 2 slope."***** He may be under the impression you're doing well because you are zooting downhill at great speed and sliding up to the poma queue in one elegant swoop. But what he doesn't know is that you were trying to travel at half that pace, and in a completely different direction. Do not go up to the number 2 slope until you are able to descend as slowly as it is possible to move without actually coming to a grinding halt. Because the second you get up to number 2, you will realise that it is a whole lot steeper than it looked from down at number 1, and you're about 3 seconds away from another one of those excitingly dramatic swoopy descents, which is all very flashy and may attract applause from the peanut gallery, but ask yourself: can your nerves take the strain?

4. Develop a thick skin.
Your fellow beginners will be remarkably forgiving, thank god, even when you've scooped them up by the knee and whooshed them right into the netting with you. But the instructors may take to saying things like "here's trouble" and "oh... you again" as you approach. Remember that you are, out of the kindness of your heart, providing them with a rich vein of entertainment and pub stories, so what they're really saying is, "Thank you, o thou perfect comedienne!" Nod graciously, smile and swoop on. Just as soon as they've hauled you to your feet... again.

5. Develop a philosophical approach.
It's a little known fact, but skiing originated as a spiritual exercise among the more ascetic type of monk. The combined affront to personal dignity and mortification of the flesh is particularly good for your soul. So when you've just managed to fall over for the third time while standing completely still... embrace the humiliation. It's making you a better person.

6. Don't envy the snowboarders.
Sure, they're pulling all those sexy moves; but those are the only guys who are falling down more often than you.

7. Know your limits.
By the end of the day, you may find you're not improving so much; in fact, you will probably be finding simple things like hobbling to the poma, turning neatly, or indeed simply standing up, harder than before. It is only to be expected that your muscles will reach a point of exhaustion and you will lose some control. Remember, there is no shame in admitting you have had enough and taking a break, or even going home early.

Of course if you do, you're a lazy-assed pathetic wuss. But there's no shame in that.

8. Allow time for recovery.
Don't make any plans for the evening after your first lesson. Or the next day. Or the day after. It's only then that you will realise just what a whole-body exercise skiing really is. You may consider hiring a minion to accompany you at all times, taking care of such strenuous tasks as filling the kettle, or indeed lifting the teacup to your lips.

Although it's possible that skiiers who fall down less often (and hence have to push themselves up less often) don't experience quite so much pain in the upper arms.

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* They will tell you they are "getting you used to the equipment". Right. Because it's very important to be able to hop around in rigid boots when you're out there.
** Of course, that's the old type of surfacing. Nowadays there's a much better kind — white and everything — and those crazy French are slapping it all over their mine dumps. Saffers, take note: ski resorts, coming soon to Joburg!
*** A very odd town. Clean, well laid out, and resembling nothing so much as a giant business park. Or possibly Sasolburg.
**** Hired jackets have their uses here too, since they all come in the same colour.
***** I leave it to you to make your own jokes about "little accidents". This is a civilised blog, we don't go in for that sort of infantile humour.