Nicked
So there I was, minding my own business, when to my shock I felt a copper tapping me on the shoulder. A novel and frightening experience (yes, I have led a very sheltered life). In a very British bobby sort of way, polite but firm, he suggested that I might want to oblige him with a list of 10 things I would never do.
Well, that's a tricky one. After all, helping the police with their enquiries is pretty high on the list of things I never expected to be doing. So having mulled* the question for a while, I've concluded I really don't dare make an official statement of such a very... definite nature. What happens if I'm wrong? Bad things happen to people who lie to coppers. I watch TV. I know these things.
Here, therefore, is a list of 10 things I think it would be highly unlikely for me ever to do. I hope this satisfies my civic obligations.
1. Undergo gender reassignment surgery.**
2. Eat baked beans with anchovies.***
3. Complete a knitted project correctly, on the first try, without changing my mind about any of it.****
4. Do work as soon as I can, rather than as late as I can get away with.****
5. Retrain as a marine biologist.*****
6. Join Rotary.
7. Stop whining about the painful absence of Days of our Lives and Gilmore Girls from the TV schedules.****
8. Eat a spider. (Knowingly. Before I start one of those conversations about how many spiders the average person ingests during their sleep, can I just emphasise: knowingly.)
9. Reject cookie consumption as a valid strategy for coping with the size of my thighs, stress and unhappiness caused by.****
10. Get a tan.****
_____
* Lots of cinnamon, not too much naartjie. Tasty.
** But, y'know, if you want to, that's cool.
*** Baked beans with anything would be pretty darn unlikely, but I figured I'd add anchovies to be on the safe side.
**** These items are all statements of simple probability, rather than principle.
***** Although I'm sure it's a lovely career for some.
4 comments:
I'm grateful this isn't a meme, as the moral implications could send all of blogdom into some kind of clever word for excessive thinking.
And beans with anchovies...please tell me no one actually eats that combination. Ever.
I like the "mulled" pun, though I confess I had to look up naartjie.
Also - consider adding a five-star footnote for #8. Then consider an ordinary day at work.
And you now have the. Highest. Score on my nonexistent scoresheet for Most Clever Meme Intro.
Not to the best of my knowledge, Glo, but then I do hope nobody eats spiders either...
Jam: that is some impressive lateral thinking, there, on that footnote point. Laughing and spluttering, together, at once.
Have seen the spider eating - and not drunkenly, so your Safe Streets people would be pleased. Still shuddering at thought of the other.
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