SGI: What to do and when to go

The title of our two city guidebooks was Art Shop Eat. And while I have a problem with the apparent use of "art" as a verb, I have to admit they've pretty much covered the point of a city break to Venice or Florence — or, no doubt, many other places. You go to these places because you want to see the art (and architecture); this being Italy, eating is a big attraction also; and although I'm not a great shopper, it's hard to resist the urge to bring back something beautiful.*

The trick is in knowing how to do these things.

The first thing you must remember is that it is absolutely not done to tell everyone that Florentine museums are crowded, expensive, disorganised and overrated. You will be immediately exposed as a Bad Art Lover. Florence is famous for having the most and the best art in the world; ergo, if you fail to absolutely love it, it must be you who are at fault. With this in mind —

Don't say:
"Ugh, the Uffizi? We were out of there in under two hours, and what a relief."
Do say:
"It's just so overwhelming — you can't do it justice in an afternoon."
Don't say:
"Eh, you see one chubby wall-eyed nude, you've seen 'em all."
Do say:
"The paintings are so sensual!"
Don't say:
"Did all of Italy just stop painting after 1650?"***
Do say:
"It really gives you an appreciation of the roots of the Western art tradition."
Don't say:
"Why queue for three hours and pay 10 euro to get into the Accademia — which has practically nothing in it — when there's an exact marble copy of David in the Loggia della Monumente, for free, with a better view?"
Do say:
"There's nothing like seeing the original, is there?"
Don't say:
"But his hands are huge! They're kinda creeping me out!"
Do say:
"It's amazing how cleverly he worked perspective into the figure.**** Did you notice he's got a squint, too? It's a classic Michelangelo trick."

Having done your cultural duty in the museums, you're free to indulge in consumerist delights. You can buy some art, of course — in Venice in particular we found lots of little galleries that had rather gorgeous things, including very affordable etchings as well as prints. I liked the camp angels by this guy, but we didn't buy any. (Mostly because when we went looking for the gallery again, we couldn't find it. Damn those little Venetian alleys!)

Otherwise, the things to shop for are, in Venice, silk and handmade paper. (Oh all right, lace and glasswork and masks, if you must. But bear in mind that until you've gone window shopping over the Rialto bridge, you have very little idea of what kitsch is. Truly. You have much, much to learn.) And in Florence, leather goods and antiques. There are some marvellous antiques markets - including a small one up in Fiesole - and the markets around San Lorenzo and other areas are full of stalls selling leather jackets, bags and gloves, among other things. (Astonishingly, they all seem to offering one-day specials of 60% or even 70% off! Every day!) Of course some of those colourful gloves are made in China, rather than being the authentic Italian artisanal goods you're hoping for... but hey, who's checking?

If you're getting out of the cities, there are plenty of other activities to consider. Skiing, in winter. Or hiking, or cycling, or wine tasting, or just hanging out experimenting with the fine art of the siesta.***** What you want to do will of course affect when you choose to go; apart from the obvious (skiing is pretty hard to do in August, for instance), I suggest that midwinter is a good time for a serious art pilgrimage, because you'll avoid most of the tourists. Conversely, if you're mostly there to soak up the vibe and don't mind skipping the major sights, go in summer; though by all accounts Venice gets pretty stinky in the heat, so maybe try May or September.

Whatever you do, don't go in March. At least, don't go to Venice or Florence in March. The weather is crap, but the high season kicks off on the 15th and it's packed. And expensive. It's the worst of both worlds.

Dammit.

_____
* Preferably not an actual person. Yes, Italian women** are gorgeous, but they might complain if you tried to squeeze them in your suitcase.
** Italian men are fine too. But they wear an awful lot of bling.
*** Apparently, yes. The Italian artistic spirit goes into fashion these days. As evidenced by the fact that in the Uffizi, right next to the museum shop (selling mugs with cherubs on them, the usual) is a designer accessories boutique.
**** I've looked at David from all angles and distances, and his hands just always look massive. And veiny.
***** I have my next Italian holiday all planned.