SGS: Appendix

To understand a country, one should understand its products. So, now that you have some insights into Swiss culture, let us consider some of the best-known Swiss cultural artefacts.

The Swiss army knife. While the actual Swiss army uses a knife with rather fewer appendages than the ludicrously overcapable devices we know and love, nonetheless, this item combines neatness with protection - key concepts in analysing the Swiss psyche. As a small and landlocked country with a lot of wealth, Switzerland is naturally concerned with self-defence. The guiding principle is: one can only remain neutral as long as one is in a position to kick some butt, should the need arise. Hence, the powerful Swiss army - the nuttiness of which has already been discussed - and the Swiss army knife*.

Swiss bank accounts. I really don't know how this one started, but there it is: banking and insurance are the linchpins of the Swiss economy. Meaning, it has some serious wealth. And is concerned, once again, with protecting it. I seem to notice a ridiculous number of ads for insurance products when I visit.

Swiss watches. Obvious, really. Obsessed with punctuality, and enjoying much wealth? Make a luxury watch!

Cows. Driving through Switzerland - or indeed, taking a reliable, comfortable and scenic train ride - one notices an extraordinary number of cows on the mountainside. Visiting a tourist shop, one notices a great number of wooden cows and/or brass cowbells for sale. Well, cows are, after all, key to the Swiss diet** - all that cheese***! Interesting to note: "I dream of cows" is, according to Gore Vidal's Creation, an ancient Aryan idiom meaning "I lust for wealth"****.

Chocolate. Actually, I don't know if this says anything about Switzerland. I just couldn't leave it out. Good, good stuff. Um... it's also rich****.

And finally: the ultimate Swiss artefact. The encapsulation of all that is Swiss. The souvenir so perfect that if it didn't exist, you'd have to invent it:



The cuckoo clock. Punctuality. Kitsch wooden chalets. Wealth - they don't come cheap. Very often, cows. (You'd be amazed at how many moving parts they can get in those things.) And - obviously - complete insanity.

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* I was most disappointed, early in my relationship, to discover that Beloved's Swiss army knife was not actually from the Swiss army. His boots, however, were. Another perk of service: not only do they give you guns, they give you boots, and replace them when they wear out. Unfortunately, since he has been living abroad and hence escaping the annual refresher, he missed out on the replacements, and is now bootless. Sad, really.
** Something I inexplicably forgot to mention in the chapter on cuisine: even a cold drink is based on dairy. In a sneaky trap for the unwary lactose intolerant among us, Rivella - a very popular and delicious drink - looks and tastes like sparkling apple juice, but it's 35% milk serum.
*** Please note, Swiss cheese is not all full of holes. Only Emmenthaler. There are other kinds of Swiss cheese. I like Gruyere, myself.
**** Yes. I might be pushing the tags a bit here.