SGS: Culture and cuisine

As preparation for your stay, read Asterix in Switzerland. Accept every word as gospel*. Especially the bit about muddy footprints. The Swiss do not like dirt. If you visit a Swiss home, remove your shoes the second you cross the threshold. While in other countries this might be considered rude, your Swiss host will instantly wish to bear your child.

Cleanliness is ingrained in the Swiss psyche to an extreme and incomprehensible degree. Even pubertal skateboarders - who might daringly sport a single ear piercing - have a shiny pinkness that suggests their mothers have just finished scrubbing behind their necks. It's quite confusing to behold.

Of course, what those esteemed cultural commentators Goscinny and Uderzo omit to mention (no doubt for fear of reprisal; luckily I am more intrepid) is that William Tell (or whoever might be considered the father of the Swiss nation) made a pact with the devil. No, really, it's true. Consider: the Swiss diet consists almost entirely of animal fat and starch, yet the Swiss people are all slim and fit. It's the devil's work.

For those of us without the benefit of demonic dealings, I advise you to adjust your mindset. Forget anything you may have read about the supposed advantages of Atkins, the dangers of dairy or, for that matter, the curse of cholesterol. Prepare to enjoy breakfast of Nutella on bread**, lunch of bratwurst with bread and/or chips, and supper of fondue (bread and cheese). Or roesti (a potato dish that, as far as I can tell, requires the tubers to be first grated, then fried, then roasted with cheese, and possibly bacon or other toppings).

Fair enough, there are other menu choices, but these are typical (and, typically, the most appetising; stick a restaurant on a mountaintop, 3000m above sea level, and "captive audience" is the phrase that springs to mind). And the other options are still likely to be fried, roasted, or fried and roasted, and smothered in cheesy or creamy sauce. Not that I'm complaining. Obviously.

Then, of course, there's all the rumpunsch (hot rum punch, obviously) and nuessgipfel (nut tart), not to mention good Swiss chocolate. Mountain air makes you hungry. Especially when you've just climbed 1km in height.Which leads me to... activities: the next exciting chapter of the Scroobious Guide. Stay tuned.

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* Apart from Obelix's belief that Switzerland is flat. Even if you'd been dragged unconscious up and down the Alps, I can't imagine that from any point in the country you'd be able to look around without seeing mountain in every direction. Really not very flat at all.
**Or mueesli***, admittedly. But come on. You would choose cereal over Nutella?
*** Note for the unwary: "muesli" are, in fact, mice. "Mueesli" is breakfast cereal.
**** I am here using the German typographic convention of substituting an e for an umlaut on the preceding vowel. Anyone know how to do umlauts in Blogger?