SGSA: Geography and climate

As mentioned in the introduction, we have quite a lot of both geography and climate. It’s a fair-sized country, but as far as most visitors are concerned, it consists of Cape Town, Johannesburg (Joburg or Jozi), game farms, and everywhere else. This is probably quite reasonable; Durban is our third city*, but don’t go to Durban. Seriously. Don’t. The streets are full of beach bums and the (small, pebbly) beaches are full of jellyfish. Plus, it’s insanely hot and humid. Skip it.

Joburg (climate: hot and dry in summer, with superbly operatic thunderstorms; cold and dry in winter) is strictly for living in, doing business in, or passing through. I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s a fabulous place to live – incredible weather, great people, brilliant nightlife. I just can’t ever think of anything to advise visitors to do. After all, you can’t spend all day in restaurants. Although I did try. (Actually, the theatre is excellent. But that still leaves a lot of daylight to fill.)

Cape Town — known as the Mother City, because European settlement started here — is quite possibly the best city in the whole world, ever. (I did warn you this wasn’t going to be an objective guide.) Unfortunately, Capetonians are aware of this, which makes them not only insufferably smug (I include myself in this statement) but also quite greedy. Prices have rocketed in the past few years, but it’s still a relative bargain for those with hard currency (the SA rand is a distinctly downtrodden beastie, poor thing). Frankly, it would be a bargain at any price, because just look at it! Spectacular mountains, forests, wine farms, beaches** and, oh yes, hordes of jaw-droppingly beautiful people. They’re all models, of course, and won’t deign to actually speak to you, but the ogling is good.

Also, CT (climate: warm to hot in summer, cold, wet and very windy in winter; extremely changeable and breezy all year round — it was originally dubbed the Cape of Storms, before some politically motivated rebranding as the Cape of Good Hope) has smartened up a whole lot from what it used to be, and is finally fulfilling its long-time claim to being “cosmopolitan” and “European”. Ten years ago, the V&A Waterfront was the big draw; now, head for De Waterkant. Named just to confuse Dutch speakers, it actually is a whole separate area — not all that close to the water, truthfully — and much, much sexier.

Cape Town is also small enough, and close to nature enough, to provide a lot of entertainment you might not expect from a "city". Go down to Cape Point, where smart-alec locals may try to convince you you can actually see the dividing line between the Atlantic and Indian oceans***, and you can spot whales (in season and with luck), ride ostriches, and otherwise enjoy the bounty of nature. (On a plate. With lemon juice and tartare sauce. Mmmmm.)

It's important to note, though, that you shouldn't actually try to get anything done in Cape Town. Firstly, why waste good beach time? Secondly, why waste the locals' good beach time? Centuries of sunshine and good dope have completely addled Capetonians' collective brains. (Again, I'm including myself in this.) As a group, we are friendly, cheerful, and pretty damn ineffectual. Need proof? Okay. Get in a car. Head downtown, towards the Waterfront. Near the beginning of the N2 motorway****, you will see a road to nowhere. Literally. There's a great big highway in the sky, that stops shortly after lifting off from the ground. Close by, but less often seen, is another. These were two parts of a flyover that never quite made it, because one of our sun-struck civil engineers made a miscalculation. Oops. That was decades ago. The road has of course been rebuilt, but the evidence lingers on. Obviously, pulling it down would be quite pricey, and besides, by now it's a landmark and source of strange pride for the denizens of Slaapstad*****. I do wonder, though, why nobody's used that structure to build, I don't know, a cool party venue or something underneath...

So much for the cities; what about the game farms? Well, there are plenty of them, to be sure, in all styles ranging from serious bushwhacking to keep-those-dirty-beasts-away-from-me luxury. Personally, I’m dead keen on the deluxe end – I’ll take cocktails, swimming pools and room service, please; hold the spiders, and don’t dare kick me out of bed for any of those ridiculous dawn game walks – but the downside is, a lot of those places are fairly low on actual wildlife. Still, if you want to trip over rhino****** just outside your own front door, while still enjoying five-star comfort, I know just the place. (Huge ants, though. Enormous.)

Oh yes, and of course there’s plenty of countryside that isn’t in the game farm category. Tell you what. Take six months off, hire a car, and call me for guidance. You might be able to fit in most of the must-see priorities. If you work at it.

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* Well, sort of. We actually have three capitals, and Joburg isn’t even on the list. Cape Town has parliament, Bloemfontein has the supreme court (and absolutely nothing else), and Pretoria has the Union Buildings (where they actually run the country from). But Pretoria’s practically a suburb of Joburg these days anyway.

** CT beaches are, however, a trap for the unwary. The most popular beaches – Camps Bay and Clifton, with the sunset views – are strictly for showing off your designer bikini, the one too expensive to actually get wet. If you want to swim, head to the other side of the mountain, where the currents won’t actually freeze the teeth out of your head. Boulders is nice. And it has penguins.

*** Actually, the oceans meet at Cape Agulhas, a fair drive to the east. But Cape Point does see the meeting of two ocean currents, which explains the warm beaches/icy beaches phenomenon.

**** I do believe it's also adjacent to Oswald Pirow street. Oswald Pirow, one of SA's more infamous statesmen, was basically a Nazi. While a frenzy of renaming has swept SA since 1994, this street appears to have been left alone. See? Sleepy Cape Town.

***** An Hilarious Pun. Slaapstad=sleepytown; Cape Town in Afrikaans is Kaapstad.

****** The friendly, square-jawed ones, of course. Nothing you wouldn’t want to trip over.