Thursday, October 27, 2005

Trivial pursuits

Pub quiz tonight.

[flexes brain]

May I have telepathic access to all your brains tonight? Thank you. We have a trophy to defend, you know.

Update: well, you lot just suck at this, don't you? Try harder, guys. When I ask for Lenin's real name, "John" is not what I'm after. (Vladimir Getyatopoff also won't cut it, as it turns out.) Okay? I guess I didn't make clear just how important this was. We were defending a trophy, and our reputation. And we failed. Even Norfolk & Chance* beat us - by just one point. One. Come on, if one of you had been able to recognise the intro to Alice Cooper's Poison, the humiliation would have been less complete. As it is... well, thank godlings I don't have to show my face in the office today. Is all I can say.

I appreciate the Aldous Huxley tip, though. Don't know which one of you knew he died on the same day as JFK, but that was prime trivia. Well done.

_____
* Say it quickly, with a Northern accent. Hur hur.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

My new favourite site

PainInTheEnglish.com.

For Lynne Truss fans and others.

Wanted: new psyche

Can I trade in my mind for one that doesn't respond to "I feel fat" with "I need chocolate"? Or to "I have so much to do" with "ooh, cube bugs!"?

How is it that a perfectly acceptable brain, no scratches or dents, logic circuits all functioning (on a rational level), can make this kind of error?

Friday, October 21, 2005

Blah. Blahblahblah. Also, blah.

To bed at 11. Up at 1.30 to let the cat in*. Up at 3.30 to let the cat out**. Beloved up at 5.30 to let the cat in.

Between 1.30 and 5.30 I dozed a little. After that, not at all. You know what time I had to get up today? 9.45. That's how long I could have slept in. In theory.

I got up and tried to surf myself to sleep, but the internet was broken. (Seriously. Everyone and their aunt - not you, extemp - must have had the same idea.) Only thing that wasn't broken was Cube Bugs. Which was actually not a bad idea, since by the time I had done level 16, my eyes were going squiffy and I thought I could sleep some more. I almost could.

I think I have to quit drinking coffee.

Also, the thyme on my kitchen windowsill is all mouldy, the mint is all brown, and the basil is all anaemic. What's up with that?

But on the plus side, today I'm going to have an enormous mocha milkshake*** at Ed's Easy Diner, and then I'm going to the legendary Ronnie Scott's to be a member of a Live studio audience! for something or other. I have no idea, really, a friend had tickets. Then back to the office, where I'll doodle over some freelance work, and then to a birthday dinner at Ciao Bella.

There are worse ways to spend a Friday.

Edit: By the time I'd taken a bus from Vauxhall to Trafalgar Square - i.e., right through the thick of Westminster, also known as Tourist Central - the sun was shining in that particularly delicious way it has after heavy rain, and I was filled with a remarkable sense of wellbeing. I smiled indulgently at the ridiculous tourists taking pictures of each other in red telephone booths****, and the even more ridiculous Queen's Guards on their beautiful black horses who have to stand still all day. (Poor horses. They never signed up for this.) I beamed at Alison Lapper on her plinth*****. And when I actually sat down at Ed's, I positively chortled at the lovely lady handing me an Oreo cookie shake.

And then the taping was enormous fun. It was for a radio show called It's Been a Bad Week, which pokes fun at current affairs - a bit like Have I Got News For You! but with sound effects. Lots of unfortunate bird flu jokes and other bad taste. Loved it. Especially the retakes - so much fun watching actors pissing about, making off-colour jokes, trying to throw each other off balance... Altogether though, it was a wonderfully oldfashioned experience, sitting in a smoky jazz club watching a radio show being performed. Or perhaps "timeless" is the word. Anyway.

I'm in a really fabulous mood now. Unreasonably fabulous. Must be the lack of sleep.

Oddly enough, the poll on the company intranet today is "How are you?". Yes, they're scraping the bottom of the barrel, and yes, that's funny in itself. I found it peculiar, though, that the three possible responses were: "Fine thanks", "Could be better" or "Not good. Not good at all." Clearly it's inconceivable that anybody at work on a Friday afternoon could be feeling any better than just, oh, fine...

_____
* For those who question why I let the cat in on demand: she keeps scratching at the door till I do, so I can't sleep anyway. Also, I'm not completely heartless, it could be raining.
** For those who question why I let the cat out on demand: she turns into a monster freak who wanders around yowling, scratching the bed and/or knocking things over until I do. Sometimes she's perfectly happy to be scooped up, dumped on the bed and drowsily scratched into restfulness (takes about 1 second). Sometimes she's still perfectly happy for this to occur, but instead of falling asleep, after 10 minutes she'll bounce up and resume the crazy.
*** Or maybe a mocha and brandy. Heh. That'll cheer me up.
**** Something Beloved definitely, absolutely, never even considered doing. Nope.
***** "But is it art?" Hell, yes.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Get your feminist freak on*

I once read a wonderful, wonderful quote that sadly, I can't exactly remember. The gist of it was this.

A suffragette (nobody famous) was asked to explain what feminism was. She said feminists wanted everybody to be allowed to be themselves, to be independent and empowered. Her interlocutor pointed out that many men were not so lucky. "Then they should become feminists," she answered.

May I direct you to: the Carnival of Feminists. Should be about a week's worth of brilliant reading in there. Have a ball**!
_____
* No, that doesn't mean we have some man-hating content here, and if you say that again I'll bitchslap you. I pack a mean slap. Be warned.
** Nope, still not with the man-hating. Stop that, now.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

What is it about the number 7?

7 THINGS I CAN DO
Knit like the fabulous fibre fiend I am.
Make legendary lasagne, pecan pie and seafood risotto. But not all at the same time. Not enough dishes.
Multitask like a mofo.
Meet any deadline, no matter how ridiculous. I have my own personal time thingy. (You know, like those cylinder things the time monks have. YOU know.) Sadly, it’s deadline specific, I can’t use it to rewind time to prevent my foot entering my mouth, which it does with distressing regularity.
Spell.
Pay a compliment. I’m always amazed at how much it means to people. There is a serious lack of complimenting in our lives. Reader! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go make someone happy: tell them they did something well. Obviously, only if they actually did.
The bendy bits of yoga.

7 THINGS I CAN’T DO
Sew. Sewing machines, they hate me. It’s just that simple.
Cook or bake anything that requires me to measure things. Or pay much attention.
Keep foot out of mouth.
Sing.
Stick to a budget, or a diet.
The balancing bits of yoga.
Pay attention.

7 THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME SEXUALLY*
Physical details, impossible to describe, that have to do with hands, shoulders (in men) or hips (in women), lips and eyes.
Leather.
Lightly tanned skin.
Lack of self-consciousness.
A soft, low speaking voice.
Buying me presents.
Being my Beloved.

7 THINGS THAT I SAY MOST OFTEN
SO no.
It wasn’t me, I didn’t do it!
I love you gorgeous!
Seriously, are they not the cutest cats in the whole world ever?
Seriously, I have to do something about the size of me.
What do you mean I can’t have more dessert?!
Just two more minutes… (after my morning alarm goes off)

7 (er, 3, but one of them's a biggy) THINGS THAT SCARE ME**
Spiders. Not as much as they used to, though.
Steep slopes. Heights, not at all, but high gradient really freaks me out. I hate, hate, hate driving up that street in Oranjezicht – you know, the one that goes practically straight up Table Mountain – which is a bit of a problem since my very nice mother-in-law lives there.
Failing at anything.
Other than that, not much.

7 THINGS I PLAN TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Win the Booker Prize three times, because anything that twunt JM Coetzee can do, I can do better.
Travel across every continent, and every country in Europe (well, all the real ones).
Sail around the world – by which I mean, mix cocktails while the crew does the actual sailing. Note to self: buy really good sunscreen.
Jump out of a plane. With a parachute. I'm not suicidal.
Win a tango competition. Which will be tricky, since I'm a complete klutz, but nothing like a challenge.
Own pieds-a-terre in Cape Town, Paris, Zurich, London and New York – as well as my real home, a villa somewhere in the south of France.

7 PEOPLE I WANT TO DO THIS
Guyana-Gyal
Um…
The two people I’d most want to tag don’t have blogs, and I think the rest have already done it or been tagged. So hey. Take the baton if you want to, and leave a link in the comments.

Edit: Anon is now blogging, and has clearly left himself wide open for this one. Tag! You're it!

_____
* I'm not going to restrict myself to just one sex. Being boringly monogamous, and the topic not being "reasons I love my husband", it's all hypothetical anyway.
** I pinched this one from Anne Arkham, because after Johnny Depp and Cate Blanchett, I ran out of celebrity crushes.

I want to be a biologist!

Well, no, not really. But I do want to be able to introduce names like bone-eating snot flowers to the lexicon. Don't you?

(Thanks, bumpycat!)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I may just have to break the habit of a lifetime

I have never actually followed a knitting pattern in my life. Well, I came close once, but ended up tweaking it significantly to please my whim. (My whim's remarkably fussy.)

But the Victorian section in the latest Vogue Knitting could have been designed just for me. I'd happily make and wear pretty much every one of those little beauties. In fact, that red coat looks remarkably like something that actually has been germinating in my brain for a while.

So maybe I'll see how I do at following patterns, rather than inventing my own. (Tweaking allowed.) I'm sure I could learn something in the process.

Ah, who'm I kidding? I may never get around to these. Oh, but I'd so like to...

Hours in the day, more of, must acquire.

Purple prose

Today I am clad head to toe in berry and plum shades. This being one of my two favourite colour families (the other is teal), I'm quite enjoying it. (Also, my aubergine lace tights are just lovely.) But! Quelle horreur!

Today's Daily Mail has a bit of puffery - it's so far from having any real content, I'm amazed they even printed it - on Madonna showing up at something or other clad head to toe in purple. Apparently this is the colour of the season (well, duh) and "she looks just fantastic".

I'm in anguish. I'm dressed like MADONNA! And my fashion choice has been approved by the DAILY MAIL!

Oh, the shame, the shame...

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Mary was touched by his noodly appendage

We all know, of course, that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created this beautiful world. But apparently some people are still denying this knowledge. They are even offering money for proof of evolution. Talk about desperate.

So I'm delighted to see that some of the faithful are posing their own challenge: $1 million dollars to prove that Jesus is not the son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

That should clear this right up.

And if that doesn't do the job, maybe we'll learn the truth when we learn to read God's graffiti.

Fiction in real life

I was only a little startled to see the following sign when travelling through King's Cross* yesterday.



But when I met this political campaigner, I realised the barrier between fiction and reality was getting dangerously blurry.



So I've called in an expert. Anyone with evidence of similar incidents, please report them to the authorities. Where will it end? Vetinari in Number 10?

_____
* Poor JK Rowling. Let down by research, lack of. As London-living Potter fans would know, the supposed barrier between platforms 9 and 10 that you have to run at to catch the Hogwarts Express does not, in fact, exist. At least, not at King's Cross. She was actually thinking of Euston. True story. So this sign is somewhat randomly placed, in the general vicinity of platform 10.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

To everything (turn, turn, turn...)

Every city, I believe, has its season. Just think of the cliches: “Paris in the spring.” “Autumn in New York.”* I always thought my favourite season was spring, but I’m starting to realise it depends entirely on where I am.

In Cape Town, it has to be spring. There’s a special, indescribable smell in the air about two days before all the oak trees pop their new leaves; a fresh, green smell full of energy and excitement. I have a lousy sense of smell, but somehow I’m attuned to this one; most of my friends say they don’t know what I’m talking about, and I have never detected it in any other place. But Cape Town in the spring. It’s beautiful. It’s that smell. (Well, it might also be those budding oak trees, and the flowers, and the clear blue skies, before everything gets sweaty and infested with tourists… but for me, it’s the smell that defines it.)

Johannesburg is incredible in summer. Hot, dry air, but lush gardens and green treelined streets**. (Or purple treelined streets, as the case may be. All those jacarandas.) And best of all – the afternoon thunderstorms! Glittery blue skies cloud over, the light turns ominously purple, then bang! crash! bazoom! Buckets of rain coming down in huge, warm drops. Mad lightning temper tantrums. Then it’s over, everything’s calm and fresh, and the air is electric-smelling and rosy as the sun goes down.

Zurich comes into its own in winter. It’s remarkably lovely all year round, of course – old world romance on a lake? Hard to go wrong – but Switzerland means snow, let’s face it, and when everything’s sparkling like a great big wedding cake, well, that’s just right. Isn’t it?

But much to my surprise, I’ve concluded that London is an autumn city. Since I bitch so much about winter here - the darkness of the days, the interminable greyness, the relentless bloody length of the miserable season*** - you’d think I’d be sold on spring. And spring is good. Daffodils cheer a person up quite wonderfully after all that winter.

But autumn! Autumn seems to come more naturally. After the muggy confusion of the London summer**** – public transport is a horror, it’s so humid you can’t breathe and the sunshine is liable to give way to rain at the drop of a sandal - autumn makes sense in the same way that winter does in Zurich. When the streets are misty, they take on a properly Victorian mien, like the London you imagine from books. My jogging route through Osterley Park is suddenly quieter, more romantic, richer in colour and texture. Flocks of birds swoop over the lake; in fog, the park seems that much more like a working farm (which it is) and less like a suburban oasis (which it also is). The train to town takes me past astonishing bursts of red and orange among the hedges. The evening light over the river is purple, but rather than being brooding – like the purple storm skies of Joburg – it’s velvety and comforting. In autumn, London is mysterious, and grand, and cosy, all at once.

The only problem is that winter is coming.
_____
* Not that I would know. Never crossed the Atlantic, and my only visit to Paris (so far) was in summer. Not just any summer, either. That summer.
** Joburg has been described, perhaps hyperbolically, as the world’s largest man-made forest. There’s not much natural beauty there – let’s be frank: it’s a giant minedump – so they had to invent some. There are a lot of trees. Autumn is spectacular, but over in the blink of an eye. In summer, though, the avenues are beautiful.
*** Three good months in a year is not the way it’s supposed to be. Three months bad weather is about all we need, thanks. I’m from down south. I know what a real climate is.
**** Which is rather wonderful in its own way, of course. Long warm evenings and masses of free events – outdoor movie screenings, concerts, festivals – but also an unfortunate rash of pasty, podgy poms taking their shirts off. [shudder]

Perhaps that explains it

Beloved is upset with me. He claims I've been slandering the Swiss. I don't see it at all. Apart from pointing out - quite truthfully - that they're all bonkers, I haven't said anything objectionable. Have I?

However, I'm just about to.

Today's Worthless Word is ultramontane. Two of its three definitions* follow.

1) situated beyond the (Alps) mountains;
3) claiming an absolute supremacy or a privileged
superiority.

I think I now understand the Swiss a little bit better. Their sense of superiority is lexicographically induced.

_____
* The other is to do with the Pope and not relevant to present discussion.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Blogs as good as newspapers: Discuss

So "media critic" Jeff Jarvis maintains there is no clear distinction - nor should there be - between professional news sources and bloggers.

Well, if Yahoo! were indeed not distinguishing between the two, then my rant below could conceivably end up in search results right alongside the venerable Times and its ilk. Not convinced that's a good idea, myself. Although admittedly, it would be hard to mistake my spewing for Proper Journalism.

Thing is this. There are tabloid rags that sully the name of reporting, and there are informed, articulate blogs that raise this medium to a far more rarefied level. But there is still a distinction. Primarily this: that newspapers have to check their sources. Even on the shoddiest of student papers, contributions do at least get edited by another pair of eyes. Bloggers have no such constraints. Yes, I believe that is an important distinction.

I don't wish to sound patronising, but from the guff that lands in my inbox from perfectly smart, well-educated friends, I think it's clear that even smart and educated people are not always adept at recognising total tosh. Let's not confuse them. Or me. When I'm looking up a news story, I find it hard enough sifting through recognised news sources to find the most relevant and reliable information; I don't wish to have those search results clogged up with blogs that could be written by very articulate and convincing nuts. I can find those on Technorati, thank you very much.

Note: I'm not objecting to Yahoo!'s move to bring up blogs in a clearly defined separate section to the news - that's great. If I want comment, I can find both professional and independent comment in a single search. Lovely. But please, flag up what it is.

There's a side issue to this that intrigues me. If you decide the distinction between edited and non-edited writing is less important than, say, questions of tone and quality, then how to distinguish between the different types of blog? There are trade blogs, non-specific blogs by serious and well informed commentators, blogs with humorous intent, blogs with social intent, and blogs impossible to define. Blogs that succeed in these aims and those that, well, don't. There are blogs read by squillions across the globe, and blogs read by only the cockroaches crawling across their writers' desks. By and large, blog surfers of the world seem to do a fine job of filtering these for themselves; it doesn't take long to find the A list in any sector, or those that appeal to you particularly, and it's easy to tell those written for friends and family from those written in a bid for world media domination. All these have their merit. (Except maybe the cockroach ones.) I'd really rather not worry about where my own site fits into all that.

Please. Let's not get antsy about fitting into the formal news regime. We're not formal news. That's sort of the point. Isn't it?

Ooh!

One for the blogroll:

Sunshine.

Cos why? Cos it's a movie blog. Blogging the production of a big ol' Hollywood SF flick. Spaceships. And Chris Evans. And Michelle Yeoh. And Cillian Murphy. And it's by Danny Boyle. (Those two seem to like each other, eh?) And, oh yes, Jane Fonda's son* is in it too.

Now, I admit the chances of us getting gratuitous topless shots of Chris are slender. But this could be fun, no?

_____
* Shame. Troy Garity goes to all that effort to not use her name, and there I go and be mean.

My oh my

From Gendergeek, a worrying look at how pseudo-religion (Scientology) can make an already terrifying experience (childbirth) even more traumatic, as well as highly repressive (for the mother) and life-threatening (for the baby).

Save Katie now!

Pee Ess

You see that word verification thing? Yeah. I know. But pretend it's a game, and give me definitions for the words you get, okay? Then maybe it'll be less annoying.

Leadership battles, SA style

The good news: people are mad at Mbeki*. The bad news: they'd rather have someone neck-deep in scandal.

Choice quote: “I don’t care whether he is innocent or not. What matters is that he is being attacked because he is not a yes-man.”

Really? It doesn't matter that he's probably guilty of massive corruption? The idea that government leaders (let's not kid ourselves, Zuma's hardly the only one) are habitually using their positions to scrape every juicy scrap from government coffers, for themselves and their extended families, at enormous cost to the taxpayer and to the detriment of public services - that doesn't bother you? You feel South Africans have enough cash that we can afford to be stolen from?

Well. That's certainly a fresh perspective.

And as for this: “This reminds me of the time when I was charged in the High Court in Pretoria. Everything inside the court was against me — from the police to the top" - you can NOT be serious. Trial one: for crimes against apartheid, perpetrated in the name of the oppressed masses. Trial two: for sordid theft, to put it simply, from those oppressed masses. (They will cease to be oppressed only when they escape their unimaginable poverty, and Aids, and constant deception by their greedy, morally bankrupt socalled leaders.)

Using your struggle credentials to fog up the worrying signs that you yourself are now the oppressor - how dignified.

Grumble grumble grumble. Sometimes I hate reading news from home.
_____
* Not that having an unpopular president is a good thing. But they should be mad. Just maybe not for this particular reason.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Does it got any sports in it?

Okay, so stealing is bad, but I know there are more of you out there who really need to read Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, via The Princess Bride.

(Thanks, Cate!)

George Bush is een lekker wijf

If Scroobious's needs aren't entertaining enough, try the next step: who IS Scroobious?

And far funnier: Who is George Bush?

I'm a woman. I have needs.

And according to Google, Fount of all Wisdom, this is what Scroobious needs*:

Scroobious needs to create systems for dealing with clutter.
VERDICT: True. Small flat. Too much stuff. Too much mess. Horrid. However, while I keep inventing clutter-management systems, none of them have yet worked.

Scroobious needs her fans' support!
VERDICT: But of course. Why else would I be blogging? Ego satisfaction. Obviously.

Scroobious needs to be taught a lesson - luckily for her it's the kind of dirty tutorial that she enjoys.
VERDICT: Wha? Who's writing this stuff? The cheeky...

Scroobious needs advice on covering her boiler.
VERDICT: False. Boiler was never that great in the original, I think a remake would be ridiculous.

Scroobious needs this treatment to stay alive.
VERDICT: True. If by "treatment" you mean "good Swiss chocolate, regular massage and her fans' support".

Scroobious needs to feel What is Above.
VERDICT: Hang on, does this have anything to do with that "dirty tutorial"...?

Scroobious needs all the help she can get.
VERDICT: True, alas. But good help is just so hard to find these days.

Scroobious needs it spelled out that she's dumped.
VERDICT: It's not true! I haven't been dumped! No! No! No!

Scroobious needs to make an album that rocks.
VERDICT: True. That boiler song was really scraping the barrel.

Scroobious needs to work on tolerance and understanding.
VERDICT: False. I am very tolerant and understanding, unless you're just plain wrong.

And finally, to sum up:

Scroobious needs more by way of a biography than these brief words.
_____
* Obviously, I used my real life name. Not a lot of Scroobii out there.

Monday, October 10, 2005

SGS: Postscript

The Guide really is done now, but I couldn't resist adding this joke I just got from a friend (and reader).

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

SGS: Appendix

To understand a country, one should understand its products. So, now that you have some insights into Swiss culture, let us consider some of the best-known Swiss cultural artefacts.

The Swiss army knife. While the actual Swiss army uses a knife with rather fewer appendages than the ludicrously overcapable devices we know and love, nonetheless, this item combines neatness with protection - key concepts in analysing the Swiss psyche. As a small and landlocked country with a lot of wealth, Switzerland is naturally concerned with self-defence. The guiding principle is: one can only remain neutral as long as one is in a position to kick some butt, should the need arise. Hence, the powerful Swiss army - the nuttiness of which has already been discussed - and the Swiss army knife*.

Swiss bank accounts. I really don't know how this one started, but there it is: banking and insurance are the linchpins of the Swiss economy. Meaning, it has some serious wealth. And is concerned, once again, with protecting it. I seem to notice a ridiculous number of ads for insurance products when I visit.

Swiss watches. Obvious, really. Obsessed with punctuality, and enjoying much wealth? Make a luxury watch!

Cows. Driving through Switzerland - or indeed, taking a reliable, comfortable and scenic train ride - one notices an extraordinary number of cows on the mountainside. Visiting a tourist shop, one notices a great number of wooden cows and/or brass cowbells for sale. Well, cows are, after all, key to the Swiss diet** - all that cheese***! Interesting to note: "I dream of cows" is, according to Gore Vidal's Creation, an ancient Aryan idiom meaning "I lust for wealth"****.

Chocolate. Actually, I don't know if this says anything about Switzerland. I just couldn't leave it out. Good, good stuff. Um... it's also rich****.

And finally: the ultimate Swiss artefact. The encapsulation of all that is Swiss. The souvenir so perfect that if it didn't exist, you'd have to invent it:



The cuckoo clock. Punctuality. Kitsch wooden chalets. Wealth - they don't come cheap. Very often, cows. (You'd be amazed at how many moving parts they can get in those things.) And - obviously - complete insanity.

_____
* I was most disappointed, early in my relationship, to discover that Beloved's Swiss army knife was not actually from the Swiss army. His boots, however, were. Another perk of service: not only do they give you guns, they give you boots, and replace them when they wear out. Unfortunately, since he has been living abroad and hence escaping the annual refresher, he missed out on the replacements, and is now bootless. Sad, really.
** Something I inexplicably forgot to mention in the chapter on cuisine: even a cold drink is based on dairy. In a sneaky trap for the unwary lactose intolerant among us, Rivella - a very popular and delicious drink - looks and tastes like sparkling apple juice, but it's 35% milk serum.
*** Please note, Swiss cheese is not all full of holes. Only Emmenthaler. There are other kinds of Swiss cheese. I like Gruyere, myself.
**** Yes. I might be pushing the tags a bit here.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

SGS: Travel tips

In the last chapter of the Scroobious Guide to Switzerland, we take a brief look at three important, yet often neglected subjects.

First, what to pack? Swiss style is classically elegant - not that that matters, when you're dragging your tired ass up a mountain. So you'll pack what you need to go climbing, or skiing, and that's fairly straightforward: warm, rugged, etc. Gentlemen do not tend to fret over such questions, but for the ladies, a little advice.

Do not - repeat, do NOT - be tempted to pack high heels (even sensible high-heeled boots) for a mountain holiday. Yes, there is your evening's entertainment to be considered; yes, you may want to put on a little bit of ritz to go out in. But unless you are staying in a smart hotel and don't plan on venturing further than the hotel bar, you will very soon be confronted with that unfortunate fact of a mountain holiday: you're on a mountain. You can't go anywhere without walking up or down a hill. A very steep hill. You'll just have to settle for sportif chic, my dear.

This next tip you won't find anywhere else, but believe me, it's a gem: for hiking in any season but winter, bring a pashmina. No, not a real pashmina, that would be ridiculous. But something pashmina-shaped, in light cotton or similar. Here's what happens: you venture outdoors; it is cold. (Maybe not in high summer, but maybe. You're pretty high up, after all.) You bundle up in a t-shirt or vest and warm jacket, and wrap the pashmina round your neck. Cosy! You start climbing. You generate body heat. (Very quickly. Not a lot of oxygen up there, so you're working extra hard.) You unzip the jacket. Sooner or later you take off the jacket. The sun is shining. You are sweating. But: while the sun is warm, the air is cool. Your sweat chills your skin, especially when the sun disappears, or you walk under trees. Pashmina to the rescue! Drape it over your shoulders and you will be not too hot, not too cold, and as a bonus, protected from sunburn.

I think I might have to patent this special Hiker's Friend. Chaps, until David Beckham makes pashminas de rigueur for blokes, you'll just have to tough it out like you always do. While your girlfriend brags about how comfortable she is. Ah ha ha.

Two, the what-to-tip tip. Tipping is apparently not big in Switzerland. If the service is good, leave something, but don't overdo it.

And finally, a word on how not to offend your hosts. Actually, make that two words. Two words to be avoided at all costs:

Nazi gold.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

SGS: Activities



What you do in Switzerland will, of course, depend on where you go. In the cities, go shop, and take lots of pictures of the pretty olde worlde ambience. No guide needed. All very self-explanatory*.

In the mountains, you can climb (in summer) or ski (in winter). Everything else is peripheral. Resort towns such as Davos or Zermatt will of course offer other activities - spas, sailing, horse riding, ice-skating - but they are there merely for show. You're there for the mountains. Get up them - by fair means or foul.

Your Swiss host or companion may try to convince you that the various cable cars, funiculars etc are there only for the enfeebled, but don't listen! For merely an eye-watering amount of money, you can reach heights undreamed of by couch potatoes such as *coff* me!** And in winter, should you not be initiated in the mysterious rites of ski or snowboard, you might be able to slide down on a toboggan - utterly terrifying, yes, but addictively so.
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*Oh, all right, I will tell you one thing. I have developed a perfectly superstitious belief in Swiss shoes. Ever since a stroke of luck on my first visit, I have made a point of shoe shopping there**, and have always done extremely well. (On this recent trip, Beloved managed to find three fabulous pairs within an hour - nothing short of miraculous for someone who normally cannot be dragged into a shoe shop until the point of extreme podiatric desperation, and then struggles to find anything remotely suitable.) It's probably not that they're better made, or cheaper, than shoes elsewhere. I suspect it is, rather, that the Swiss shopping experience is more conducive (calmer than London, better stocked than SA), and the range available more classic, less trendy - hence more to the tastes of those, like us, who prefer not to replace our footwear every season.
Beloved would add, here, that anything Swiss made is necessarily made better. He may be right. It's also possible that Swiss shoes are made to be sturdier, given local conditions (i.e.: mountainous).
** This may sound like perfectly ordinary female behaviour, but I'm actually not an avid shopper normally, and not particularly hung up on shoes.
*** Nonetheless I would like you all to know that I CLIMBED THE JAKOBSHORN ALL BY MYSELF. See those capitals? I'm THAT PROUD.****
**** And would like you further to know that the fact I spent the next day nearly comatose and very unhappy had NOTHING to do with my lack of fitness for this exercise. It was the dodgy bratwurst. The bratwurst, I tells ya.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

SGS: Culture and cuisine

As preparation for your stay, read Asterix in Switzerland. Accept every word as gospel*. Especially the bit about muddy footprints. The Swiss do not like dirt. If you visit a Swiss home, remove your shoes the second you cross the threshold. While in other countries this might be considered rude, your Swiss host will instantly wish to bear your child.

Cleanliness is ingrained in the Swiss psyche to an extreme and incomprehensible degree. Even pubertal skateboarders - who might daringly sport a single ear piercing - have a shiny pinkness that suggests their mothers have just finished scrubbing behind their necks. It's quite confusing to behold.

Of course, what those esteemed cultural commentators Goscinny and Uderzo omit to mention (no doubt for fear of reprisal; luckily I am more intrepid) is that William Tell (or whoever might be considered the father of the Swiss nation) made a pact with the devil. No, really, it's true. Consider: the Swiss diet consists almost entirely of animal fat and starch, yet the Swiss people are all slim and fit. It's the devil's work.

For those of us without the benefit of demonic dealings, I advise you to adjust your mindset. Forget anything you may have read about the supposed advantages of Atkins, the dangers of dairy or, for that matter, the curse of cholesterol. Prepare to enjoy breakfast of Nutella on bread**, lunch of bratwurst with bread and/or chips, and supper of fondue (bread and cheese). Or roesti (a potato dish that, as far as I can tell, requires the tubers to be first grated, then fried, then roasted with cheese, and possibly bacon or other toppings).

Fair enough, there are other menu choices, but these are typical (and, typically, the most appetising; stick a restaurant on a mountaintop, 3000m above sea level, and "captive audience" is the phrase that springs to mind). And the other options are still likely to be fried, roasted, or fried and roasted, and smothered in cheesy or creamy sauce. Not that I'm complaining. Obviously.

Then, of course, there's all the rumpunsch (hot rum punch, obviously) and nuessgipfel (nut tart), not to mention good Swiss chocolate. Mountain air makes you hungry. Especially when you've just climbed 1km in height.Which leads me to... activities: the next exciting chapter of the Scroobious Guide. Stay tuned.

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* Apart from Obelix's belief that Switzerland is flat. Even if you'd been dragged unconscious up and down the Alps, I can't imagine that from any point in the country you'd be able to look around without seeing mountain in every direction. Really not very flat at all.
**Or mueesli***, admittedly. But come on. You would choose cereal over Nutella?
*** Note for the unwary: "muesli" are, in fact, mice. "Mueesli" is breakfast cereal.
**** I am here using the German typographic convention of substituting an e for an umlaut on the preceding vowel. Anyone know how to do umlauts in Blogger?

Those Ukrainians are crazy

We interrupt our scheduled Swiss programming for a moment to bring you this delicious titbit:

The Ukrainian national anthem is "Ukraine is not dead yet".

That's the spirit.

Monday, October 03, 2005

SGS: Art and architecture


Ask a young child to draw a house, and s/he will render a cube with a pointy hat, windows evenly distributed. This is Swiss architecture. Now show that child pictures of, say, a few Greek temples or Victorian mansions. S/he might feel moved to elaborate his/her house by drawing on a few pillars, floral motifs etc. This is Swiss design. They don't build decoration into the structure, they paint it on afterwards. Once you get used to it, it has its own charm. Apart from looking like a country built entirely out of souvenir kitsch, that is.

While I'm not aware of any particularly Swiss schools of art*, there are a number of famous Swiss artists (including an architect, Le Corbusier; while not the kind of cubes I had in mind, nonetheless you will observe his distinctly blocky style). Theophile Steinlen is a personal favourite - yes, I have unsophisticated tastes - but of greater note is Paul Klee. And let us not forget Giger. You see? I told you - these Swiss are crazy.


There is also, in Davos, a museum devoted entirely to Ernst Ludwig Kirchner - a German-born artist who lived for a long time in the area, and painted it quite spectacularly. Look at the picture at top; imagine it on an enormous canvas, in thick paint, colours saturated and glowing. Imagine a room full of landscapes like that. Imagine another room with paintings of semi-abstract human figures and still lifes. I tell you seriously: breathtaking. Few exhibitions have impressed me that much.

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* Edit: obviously, I forgot about the birth of Dada. But these were artists in exile in Zurich, not actual Swiss artists. Hm...

Sunday, October 02, 2005

SGS: Geography and climate

Small sideways, pointy upwards. Meaning: the surface area of any normal country has, in Switzerland's case, gotten scrumpled up into rather a lot of mountains covering not very much square mileage. As a result, there's always snow somewhere, though you might not be able to get to it. As far as I've been able to tell*, Switzerland has a near perfect climate: warm summers, crisp snowy winters, lots of sunshine and clear blue skies all year round, not too much wind. I've visited in every season and it's always been gorgeous in one way or another.

As you might guess from looking at a map, the German part covers most of the north, central and eastern regions; the French are to the west; the Italians to the south; and the 1% of a Rhaeto-Romanic persuasion are probably in a tree hut somewhere. Who knows. I've had limited exposure to the French and Italians, but have heard tell that the French Swiss are mad party people (I find this slightly hard to believe) and the Italians have managed to blend Swiss lunacy with Italian charm to create heaven on earth. Go south. Then send me a lifeline.

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* And as Beloved would have you believe, but don't listen to him. He has been known to assert that "it's always sunny in London". He is evidently even nuttier than other Swiss.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

SGS: Language

63% of Swiss people speak the local variation of German. (The other three official languages are French, Italian - both spoken in their familiar forms - and a peculiar ancient tongue called Rhaeto-Romanic that bears little relation to any other modern language.) Since Schweizer Deutsch (pronounced: Schwiitzer-Duutsch) does not exist as a written language, German Swiss are all able to communicate comfortably in socalled High German - they think. Their thick accents might however make the difference between Schweizer Deutsch and Hoch Deutsch purely academic to most outsiders.

If you speak German, try adapting to local conditions as follows: squoosh up your vowels a bit (almost every vowel combination can end up as ii or uu if you try), pronounce k in gutteral fashion - kch - add -zli to every fifth word or so, throw in a little French and Italian seasoning ("merci", "ciao") and introduce a singsong intonation to your sentences.

If you don't speak German, how's your Afrikaans? No, they're not really the same, but a lot of words are similar (more so than High German, although the pronunciation is seriously odd). If you can't make yourself understood, you might be able to at least understand.

If you are stuck with English, smile and point.