Feeling inadequate

I recently met someone who, while utterly lovely, is utterly unforgiveable for the following reasons. She:

publishes a monthly online magazine*;
sells, both online and in meatspace, hand-dyed yarn — much of which she dyes herself;
is launching a sewing shop;
is launching a quarterly magazine;
is writing/editing a pattern book;
has two small children (and a third on the way);
OH YES AND SHE HAS A FULL-TIME JOB.

I haven't quite recovered from this meeting.

I am also increasingly aware that as a knitter, frankly, I suck. I think I actually suck more with the passing of time. Each project seems to take twice as long as the previous one, and require more frogging.** And while I'm trying to learn things like planning, and structure, and technique, really I am, when I consider the incredible proficiency of someone like Eunny, who is a whole 23 YEARS OLD, I want to poke my pointy sticks into my eyes and be done with it.

More seriously, there is the question of What Am I Doing With My Life? I have a part-time job that pays the bills and is really rather dull. I work with lovely people, which is a great plus, but it is terribly dull, and I can't envision it getting any more interesting if I climb the ladder.*** I have occasional freelancing, some of which is more interesting than the job, some not. I have a little baby business venture that I am carefully nurturing, a venture that is thoroughly unproven and may yet turn out to be founded on a deeply flawed business model****, and of course it's just me running it — me with a profoundly Non-Business mind.***** And I have vague, half-formed ambitions in the designing and writing areas. The design ambitions are of course looking increasingly risible.

This little business thing, though, it is something that makes me deeply happy. So far it is making me deeply broke and causing stress and anxiety aplenty, but it is by far the most exciting thing I have ever done. And the most fun. I even enjoy the spreadsheets. (Okay, not that surprising. I always did like spreadsheets.) It's the only "job" I've ever had that I can happily imagine doing for the rest of my life. It is, in other words, For Me. This is what I really want to spend my time on.

On the other hand, I am hopelessly undisciplined and disorganised. I have four non-office days a week; yet I get very little done. I am seriously lousy at imposing my own structure. If I had any time management skills, my little venture should be running very smoothly, with all kinds of long-range ideas already implemented; plus I should be working on some of those design ambitions, and have a social life too. It's really not unreasonable to expect that. After all, look at the Nameless Wonder above!

Which is why I'm seriously torn about this promotion I've been unofficially offered.****** A promotion that would require just one more day in the office.

One hand: If I can't make the best use of my time on my own, a little more enforced productivity may be no bad thing.

Other hand: What kind of logic is that? I'll still be the same person, with the same lousy discipline, and even less time to work on the things I really care about.

Hand 1: But in practice, the website can be managed with less time than I have now, right? And I'll always find the time for freelancing somehow.

Hand 2: Bollocks it can. When everything's running smoothly yes, but when there's a problem, it's bad enough that I only have two weekdays to chase suppliers and sort things out. It needs and deserves more of my time, not less.

Hand 1: Well, it's my job to make sure it runs smoothly, then.

Hand 2: Which will be even harder to do when I have less time. And the chances I'll manage to work on designs etc will shrink to near zero. And by the way... four days in the office will be SO DAMN BORING.

Hand 1: But what if the business doesn't succeed, and I'm basically cutting off my career development at the pass?

Hand 2: Oh that's good. Let's make a decision based on fear, and on protecting the more boring career possibilities at the expense of the exciting ones.

Hand 1: Piffle. Let's make a grown-up decision based on pragmatism and the understanding that with just a little discipline, the exciting possibilities don't have to be jeopardised at all. Remember the Nameless Wonder!

*sigh*

Conundrum.

_____
* Knitting. This is all about knitting. Move along now if you're going to laugh, please.
** Knitting slang: because frogs go "rip it, rip it". Oh yes, knitters have slang. I don't know if this is a new development, born of the Glorious Interweb, or if it has been ever thus.
*** Unless I made the great leap into Consumer Press, which is glamorous and exciting, but (a) really hard to do, (b) filled with nasty people I hear (on the magazines at least, not the newspapers), and (c) probably not fun enough to keep me interested for long anyway.
**** There are at least three possible Killer Flaws. No way to know yet whether they really are killer flaws, or are rather Excitingly New and Different Thinking.
***** Bizarrely enough I have a Bachelor in Business Administration. I don't think this imparted anything in the way of actual knowledge, but I did enjoy the economics.
****** In the unlikely event any of my colleages are reading this: sshhh...