SGSA: Travel tips

What to do in SA? Go wildlife spotting, go snorkelling, climb a mountain, ride an ostrich, visit bushman caves, visit Nelson Mandela’s prison cell, eat, drink, be merry. Come on, you don't really need to be told, do you?

There is one thing, though. Not so much an amusement in itself, but a kind of road game. Look at the roads while you're driving around — at the actual tarmac. Every now and then you'll see an odd trail; it looks like a tin of paint fell over in the back of a truck and dripped out for the rest of the journey. (I saw one on this trip that looked like a veritable paint explosion had occurred.) The weird thing is, you will see this all over. Now, I have no explanation. I remember when I first started noticing these trails; about eight or ten years ago, I think. And since then, they've become ubiquitous. I've never seen them in Europe, only in SA. So the challenge is: figure out what the hell is going on. And then tell me. Please.

What to bring? Mosquito repellent. Industrial-strength sunblock (there is no ozone layer! None! It’s just you and searing solar rays, duking it out on the beach!) and a wide-brimmed hat. Preferably one with a ribbon to tie under your chin – remember the wind? Sandals and walking shoes. Cape Town style is very casual (not so in Joburg, but you're not going to Joburg, remember?) and the roads are often steep, so as in Switzerland, heels are a bit of a waste of suitcase space. Try to have a jacket or pullover on hand at all times — the weather can change rapidly, or be very different from one side of the mountain to the next.

To stay on good terms with the locals, keep a handful of change in your pocket for informal parking attendants* and the like. And be sure not to say any of the following:

"What's up with that mountain thing? Why haven't they put some nice houses all over it?"
Dude. We take the mountain very seriously indeed. It's, like, a deeply spiritual place, dude. You can feel the magic through the soles of your feet. Fully. So do not diss The Mountain.

"So, Nelson Mandela will probably die soon, hey?"
Nonono. We're not ready to hear this. Madiba** is like everyone's granddad, plus the messiah, all in one. He is going to live forever. Old? Pshah! He is immortal! He has to be! We need him!

"Man, this water's cold. I hear the ocean's much warmer in Durban."
Philistine! Bugger off to Durban then. Go on. Get. Honestly. Some people...

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* CT used to be full of beggars. Then they all started offering to "watch your car". These days, the streets seem to be pretty cleaned up (how? where did they go?) and the parking attendants are actually a lot more formal. Anyhoo, they need tips.
** His clan name.