A desperate cry for help
"[Insert noun] walks into a bar" jokes, please.
In the comments box. Now.
(Anon: you see how I'm always thinking of you. Nadia: not the one about the blonde and the poodle, please, something that actually makes sense.)
(Although generally speaking, I'm all in favour of jokes that don't make sense. A bunch of milk. Hahahaaaa!)
Right. Hand 'em over. Thanks.
20 comments:
Here's one:
Q:There are two potatoes standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
A: It's the one wearing the sticker that says "I-da-ho"
:D
MEP, I value your input, truly. But where's the bar? I mean it. Give me bar jokes.
(I-da-ho. Tee hee.)
(Not that I've ever actually seen an Idaho potato. But I get the idea.)
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.
***
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
"Hey," shouts the bartender. "Where did you get the pig?"
"It's a duck," says the lady.
"I was talking to the duck," says the bartender.
---X
this is not a bar joke, but it involves a scots man and I believe they do frequent bars a lot, especially in jokes.
a scotsman was walking a long a path when he suddenly got very tired. so tired that he decides to take a little nap under a tree on the side of the path. So he dozes off right there. After a while, two women walking up the path encounter the sleeping scotsman.
Woman 1: You know, I've always wondered what scottish men wear under their kilts.
Woman 2: Well, I think this would be the perfect time to find out.
So feeling somewhat guilty, excited and sheepish, they sneak up on the slumbering scot, and lift up the kilt. The start giggling when they see he's gone commando under the tartan.
Woman 1: Well, at least I know now.
Woman 2:We should let him know somehow, that we've...uh..see his goods. *this part of the joke gets a little fuzzy for me*
so the 1st woman takes out a blue ribbon she was using to tie her hair and ties it around the scotsman's danglies.
they walk away, after a while the scotsman wakes up from a thoroughly refreshing nap. He looks down, raises an eyebrow curiously at what he sees then he says:
"I dunnae know where've you been laddie, but I'm glad you got feerst praize."
its all I got. enjoy.
A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
A personal mention from scroob. Excellent.
It wasn't really a joke. That scene from the Breakfast Club just kept running through my mind all that day.
Can't think of any at the moment, but I'll know where to go when I do.
Despite funny bar jokes, must leap to defense of my beloved Idaho! How dare you all! Yes, we grow potatoes, but all our potatoes are the good kind. Any potato on a street corner obviously comes from Maine!
Now that's what I'm talking about! A box full o' bar jokes (plus random Scotsman and spuds). Excellent.
Glo: a Maine Street potato, eh? I think I see where you're coming from.
X: A herd of lemmings walks into a bar... ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch...
Demos: Welcome, and thank you, though I am as always puzzled at what you find to enjoy in a week where I'm so uninspired, I get my readers to provide the entertainment. Still, you're here now, may as well enjoy yourself! Pull up a chair. Have a beer. Then tell me what the barman said.
World's shortest joke (original version, accept no immitations): A baby seal walks into a club.
So this horse walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says "why the long face?"
So these two bits of string walk into a bar. The bouncer says "Oy, you bits of string, f**** off, we don't serve string here. Only people and talking animals". So they try to sneak in but the bouncer sees them again ad kicks them out. So the one string says "wait, I have a plan" and goes into the alley, bends himself right around and rubs his end against the wall until it's all fuzzy. He goes back to the bar. The bouncer says "Oy, aren't you the piece of string that I told to p*** off?"
The string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".
There's the one about the deaf genie, the wish granted and the twelve inch tall pianist…
There's the one that goes "So the bartender says "we don't serve many camels in this bar" and the camel replies, "At these prices, I'm not surprised" ".
I thank you all! Marvellous contributions. Next time I feel a blogging hiatus coming on, reckon I'll just say "hey, who's got a lightbulb joke?" and leave you all to it. Thankewverymuch.
Scroob, the lemming joke was hillarious!!! And G.lo I meant no harm by the potato joke - it's the only one I could think of at the time.
Then Strawberry stole my "frayed knot" joke that I was going to
Ok, so this man walks into a bar. He's not a regular so he gets to chatting to the local barfly. The local says, "Want to see something amazing?"
"Sure" says the man
The barfly reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a little man, about a foot high, with a little piano. The little man proceeds to play brilliantly on the tiny piano.
"That's amazing" says the man "where did he come from?"
The barfly replies "I have a genie in an old magic lamp. He's a bit old, but he can grant wishes."
A few drinks later the man asks for a go at the magic lamp.
The barfly refuses at first, but the man persuades him with more drinks, and he gets the lamp out from the briefcase.
So the man polishes the lamp. The genie appears, and offers to grant a wish.
The man blurts out "I want a million bucks!"
Instantly the room is filled with thousands upon thousands upon thousands of ducks, quacking, flapping their wings and pooping green gunk everywhere. After a few minutes, when the doors and windows have been opened to let out the tidal wave of mallards, the man turns back to the barfly and says "What the hell!?"
"Hey", says the barfly "You really didn't think that I wished for an amazing twelve inch pianst?"
Cut and paste jokes
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He gets a drink and sits down. His monkey walks around, jumps up onto the bar and grabs a handful of peanuts and eats them. Then the monkey grabs a bag of pretzels and eats them all. The monkey then jumps on the pool table, grabs a snooker ball and, to everyone's amazement eats it whole! The man apologises for the monkey and pays for the peanuts and the crisps and the snooker ball and leaves.
Next week the man returns with his monkey. He gets a drink and sits down. The monkey jumps up onto the bar, grabs some peanuts, pokes one up his pub, then pulls it out and eats it. Then he grabs a pretzel, and inserts that is his rear end, the pulls it out and nibbles on it. Shocked, the barman asks the man why the monkey is doing that.
The man replies, "well ever since that snooker ball came out he measures everything first!"
An old Submarine Sailor walked into a bar, sat down at the bar and
ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down
next to him. She turned to the Submariner saw his dolphins and asked,
"Are you a real Submariner?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, riding boats.
Snorkelling, deep dives, Diesel Boats, Nuclear Power, Med Runs, Arctic Runs,
SPECOPS, WESTPACs, Runs to the Caribbean, Holy Loch, Rota, Guam, 2 day
runs, 6 month deployments, been through the ditch, and up to the pole,
Pearl, La Madd, Fort Lauderdale, San Juan, tracking Ruskies, dodging
P-3s, been depth charged, torpedoed, tracked with Active Sonar,
detected by SOSUS, built them, decommissioned them, overhauled them,
re-commissioned them, been a Blue Nose, a Shellback, Blown from test
depth, gone emergency deep, rode Tridents, 688's, 637's, 594's,
Skipjack class, drug runs, liquor runs, Crazy Ivans, been in trail,
used a steinke hood, been through the tower, dodged Russian air power,
fought flooding, fires, reactor scrams, stood watch on the BCP, SCP,
and ECP so I guess, yeah, I am a real Submariner.
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I
shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I
even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me
think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
Submariner looked at his dolphins and asked, "Are you a real
Submariner?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."
A man meets his friend in the pub.
"the most amazing thing happened yesterday" he says.
"o yeah, what's that then?" his friend replies
"well I was on my way home yesterday, from the pub, and I took a shortcut, that crosses the railway track. When I looked down the track, I saw this woman tied to the tracks, and a train was coming and it was going to hit her. So I untied her, and took her home. One thing led to another and we ended up having the most amazing sex ever!!"
"Wow" the mans friend replies "Did she go down on you?"
" No" the man says, "I didn't find her head."
A geek joke:
Two Strings walk into a bar...
The bartender asks, "What'll it be?"
The 1st String says, "I'd like a beer..$^#&%#^.@^..@@^%%&^.$@%$"
The 2nd String goes, "Please excuse my friend, He's not null terminated."
So this handsome young man walks into a bar and orders a double whiskey. It could be that it's early and the bar is empty, or it could be the odd expression on the young man's face, but the bartender stays to talk.
"So, a special occasion then?"
"Well, yes, I just had my first blow job"
"Congratulations, what was it like?"
"Better get me another double whiskey. I can still taste it"
One fine day in the Wild West, in a small frontier town, everything is as it should be. The grocer is selling supplies, housewives are washing clothes, kids are playing, the groom is feeing the hosses, the sheriff is polishing his badge, and in the bar the cowboys are drinking and paying cards. Yup, everything is as it should be.
So over the horizon comes a frantic rider. He's weary and dusty, his horse is exhausted, and there's even an arrow sticking out of his arm. But he's flogging his horse for all it's worth, and when he gets into the main street he staggers into the bar and frantically gasps out the fateful words: "Big Jim's a-comin'!"
Big Jim's a-comin'!!!
Mothers grab their children and hide them under the beds. The sheriff locks himself in the jail cell. The grocer closes up is shop. The card players hide under the tables.
And striding into town comes a looming figure, a man-mountain. He has his exhausted horse over one shoulder, and a bear killed with his bare hands over the other. He strides into town, and everyone cowers. He lays down his animals and walks through the bar room door. He doesn't even open it first.
The barman holds out a bottle of whiskey like a sacrificial offering and stammers out "wou-would you like a drink, kind sir?"
He downs it.
"wou-wuold you like another one?"
The man-mountain scratches his beard and speaks in his booming voice
HELL, NO. BIG JIM'S A-COMIN'!
Not so much a joke as a teaser there, eh? Give us Big Jim! We want to meet Big!
Who knew this bar joke thing would get so out of hand...
A teaser is technically called a "shaggy dog story"
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