I am old, Father William

So in three weeks I'll be 29 (for the first time).

Huh.

I used to think I was a growing-old-gracefully kinda girl. I thought wrinkles and grey hair were no big deal. Well, I still think that - but There Are Limits. I mean, I never thought I'd look like this before I even hit 30.

I blame the stress of the past two years. It is, I am sure, no coincidence that I started sprouting white hairs at breakneck pace during a particularly difficult period last year. Sadly, while the crazed, crinkled thicket atop my head may be ascribed to Life Experience, the bizarre lines around my eyes can only come from my bizarre facial expressions. Apparently I wrinkle my nose a lot more than I ever realised; the inner corners of my eyes look like... have you ever taken a silver cigarette paper, creased it, then rolled that crease backwards and forwards, then unfolded it? No? You haven't lived. Anyway, that's what my skin looks like. Except not silver. Why can't I just have crow's feet like a normal old woman?

And then there's the Scary Body Issues. I am burdened with the kind of shape that does not age well. I reckon if you have a neat, compact, small-breasted body - think Nicole Kidman - then gym and moisturiser will do the job. But us more (ahem) Rubenesque ladies have all kinds of saggage to concern ourselves with. It's all very well having curves when you're 18, with tits and ass where goddess intended them to be. Ten years on, it's an entirely more depressing state of affairs.

Much to the amusement of my inner cynic, I have developed a wholly irrational fondness for body care products. It's not that I actually expect them to do anything. It's just that they're somehow comforting. And they come in pretty glass jars. And they smell so nice. And they have all kinds of exotic ingredients. This addiction crept up on me - back in the day, face wash and moisturiser was the sum total of my beauty regime. Simple. Now, I have a range of different lotions and potions for my feet (with marshmallow!), body (sea kelp), hands and face - actually, I have two different bottles each for hands and face. Day and night, dontcha know. I also have day and night treatments for my eyes (the night cream contains grape and ginseng)*. Besides face wash (with rice and honey), I have face scrub (what is quillaja? anybody?) and clay mask (rosemary). And cleanser and toner (more clay). And then there's the hair products - besides the basic, everybody-has-em shampoo and conditioner, there's intensive conditioner, leave-in conditioner, frizz-controlling hair serum and curl definer. And let's not forget the previously mentioned Body Creator Aromatic Gel.

I need a whole new bathroom to contain this obsession.

Or I could just get over myself.

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* They don't actually even make separate day and night eye creams. But the ginseng-containing wrinkle-refining eye cream makes my eyes water, so I can only use that at night, or start every day looking like I'm crying. In the morning, I use an eye gel to reduce puffiness (this particular obsession started with the need to look less like a fish-faced alien after I had, in fact, been crying), and leave my wrinkles to their fate.