How to turn 30

It is common to harbour some anxiety about exiting one’s 20s. Having just survived the experience, I can assure you that this anxiety is entirely misplaced. In fact, I thoroughly recommend turning 30. This special Scroobious Guide will explain what procedure to follow for maximum enjoyment. The method described does require the full engagement of a willing partner, however, so some forward planning may be required to find such a person.

How to turn 30

1) Pack your bags. It’s going to be a long weekend. You needs lots and lots of glamorous clothes, plus a swimsuit. Under no circumstances should you pack a laptop or anything to remind you of work (much less enable you to access it).

2) Be whisked off to a very smart hotel*, preferably in a chauffeur-driven Mercedes. Tell guest relations no, you do NOT want to know how to access the internet, thank you.

3) You’re going out tonight, so start primping. Ideally you want to be wearing a cute new outfit, with shoes that look like you can’t dance in them, but that are actually quite danceable. This is important. Apply maximum glamour.

4) Get a taxi** to the trendy nightspot carefully chosen by your loving partner, who has of course reserved a few tables for your many friends.

5) Graciously accept bags full of gifts from your many friends, but don’t open them yet. Partake of the lavishly flowing champagne and nibbly bits. Marvel at the Black Forest martinis. Dance. Dance a lot. Dance with everybody. Nobody cares that you can’t actually salsa.

6) Take a rickshaw home at 3am. Collapse into that huge, snowy, delicious bed. Darling, you were fabulous.

7) Breakfast in bed, obviously. Read the paper, enjoy your mocha. Mmmmm. Maybe you want to get up and go out. Maybe you don’t. (Maybe your feet really don’t.) Maybe you want to go for a swim (there’s underwater music in the pool, you know). Maybe you want to take a nap. Maybe you can think of other things to do in that bed. Maybe there isn’t anywhere better to be in the whole world than that bed. Maybe you should make the most of it.

8) Sooner or later you do have to venture outside, if only because you have theatre tickets. You could visit a little museum if you want (nothing too challenging). Have dinner. Enjoy the show. Go for a drink. Stay out late — after all, you don’t have to worry about getting the last train home, do you?

9) Good morning! It’s your birthday! Get your partner to pour that lovely champagne the hotel sent up for you, and bring you all those gorgeous presents. Open them while sampling your scrumptious chocolate truffle birthday cake (also from the hotel). Wow! So many wonderful presents — jewellery, music, Tim Burton! Aren’t you spoilt.

10) Breakfast in bed, again. You don’t have to check out just yet.***

11) Okay, now you do have to check out. Go to an exhibition. Stroll around town. Have tea. Someone else still wants to spoil you, you know.

12) Meet your dad. Watch a movie. Have dinner.

13) It’s probably time to go home now. Your cats are missing you. Get a taxi. You’ve done well. Tomorrow morning you can start catching up on all the work you expected to be doing over the weekend… and dealing with the guilt of being so very scandalously spoilt.

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* A quick peek in hidden corners of the room will determine whether the hotel is suitable — both posh and playful. There should be chocolate-dipped plums in the mini-bar, and the Gideon Bible should be accompanied by How to Change the World for a Fiver.
** Cute new shoes, remember? So what if the venue is a mere five-minute walk from the hotel? Save your shoes for dancing; it might be wet out there.
*** Even if you’re terribly unlucky and your birthday happens to fall on the first day of British summer time, meaning the one hour of the year that falls into a black hole gets stolen from your day… not that you’re bitter.