Damn, I fell for it

Last night I found myself - entirely accidentally, you understand - watching Celebrity Big Brother. And for the first time ever, actually enjoying it. (Thus far, my reality TV watching has been limited, but obsessive: US Survivor, Joe Millionaire and America's Next Top Model. I think that's all.) Big Brother in any form or country has never appealed. Until now. Possibly this has to do with the fact that for once, I actually know four of the contestants - well, three, since Germaine Greer left. (And what was she thinking? Honestly? What did she expect? It's not like she hadn't given any thought to the crapness of BB before.)

Anyway, Germaine's gone, but that still leaves Caprice, Brigitte Nielsen, a bunch of people I don't know (including two distinctly cute boys and one creepy old guy) and - ta-da! - Jackie Stallone. Jackie makes it all worth while. Just looking at her is entertainment enough. Being hit with the ugly stick is one thing, paying a surgeon to do the hitting is quite another. And then she talks. My oh my. She cleared the dinner table singlehandedly (no, she didn't actually do anything useful like clear the dishes, she just talked and the others all left). I think all her brains have been injected into her lips, but the poor dear seems to think she can tell Big Brother a thing or two about Culture. Which, apparently, means champagne or at least chardonnay with meals ('I've never in my life had dinner without some fine wine,' she whines), and a little brandy to ensure they sleep well. Because of course that's what BB is all about. Watching people sleep. Yes, she tells BB, I realise that everything we get is at your discretion, but I demand that we have some wine at our discretion. Luverly.

Even better was her complaint about her fellow housemates. 'I was told I'd be sharing this house with eight of the most brilliant people in Britain,' she grumps. 'I thought there'd be, like, Bill Gates or something.'

You know the best thing about that? How much she sounds like Germaine Greer, saying 'I didn't realise the kind of people who'd be in here with me. It's wrong for me to present myself in the same context as them.'

Excuse me, I have to go stop laughing now.