It's just occurred to me

I love telling stories. Not so much the fairytale, amuse-the-children kind, because I have no imagination and would rather read out a well written version of a classic (or indeed brand new classic) than try to remember or invent one. But I do like telling anecdotes. Stories about me - because as I think someone clever once said, we are all endlessly fascinating to ourselves - and about my friends, because they're pretty cool too. Of course, because I have the attention span of a fruit fly, I always forget who I've told my stories to. And I'm really bad at editing, or staying on-topic. So truth be told, I'm just addicted to boring a captive audience. Well, but now I have a blog! Perfect storytelling stage! And you don't have to listen you know. Don't stop me if you've heard this before - just run along to the next blog.

In the meantime, have I told you about the evangelist on the bus who revealed the great cosmic secret: God is a bureaucrat?

There was I, minding my own business on the number 25, squidged up unnecessarily intimately against my fellow commuters, as is usual on that route. Nose in a book, not paying much attention to anything, till slowly some fragments of my neighbours' conversation percolated through my consciousness, and I was hooked.

Dramatis personae:
Evangelist - young, smartly dressed, articulate.
Victim - young, slightly less smartly dressed but still respectable. Much less chatty. Polite, receptive, but slightly confused as to why this person is talking to him.

[Monologue, conducting in businesslike tones as befitting someone discussing, say, a visa application, gradually fades up and phrases like 'Matthew 4 verse 28' are heard.]
Evangelist: ...it's very important to be saved. Have you been saved?
Victim: Er... yes?
E: I mean, have you been baptised? As an adult?
V: Yes.
E: What were the exact words?
V: ...?
E: Do you remember what words were used? Did they say 'I baptise you in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit?'
V: [confident] Yes.
E: I'm sorry, that's not valid. You'll need to get baptised again. It's not your fault, I thought I was baptised for years before I found out it was done wrong. You have to be saved to get into heaven. I wouldn't want to be the one who dies and finds out he's not getting in. That's the worst thing. Where do you live?
V: [baffled but polite] ...Hackney.
E: You can go to this church, it's on the Mile End Road. [Hands over flyer.] It's very good, they have very good people. They'll get you into heaven. Do you know how to be a Christian? I mean, do you know the commandments?
V: Yes.
E: How many commandments are there?
V: Ten.
E: No, there are one hundred and ninety-eight.
V: ...Oh.
E: One hundred and ninety-eight. The Bible tells you everything about how to live if you want to get into heaven, it tells you how to dress and so on. You have to dress very smart, like Jesus did. Do you wear a tie every day?
V: I wear a tie to work.
E: You have to wear a suit and tie every day.
V: [cheerful now, ready to draw the line] Not every day!
E: Yes, if you want to get into heaven, it says so in the Bible. And women must wear long dresses and cover their hair, like this. [Brings out flipfile, shows photos of faithful worshippers.] This is how women dressed in Jesus' day. Only the worst kind of women left their hair uncovered. Women should dress like this, to show respect for Jesus. Come to church, we'll explain it to you. Here's my card. [Writes mobile number on card.] Don't forget. Come on Sunday.
V: This is my stop.
E: Okay. Have a nice day.
[Exit victim. Evangelist proceeds to take notes as after a sales meeting.]

This is unfortunately a much abbreviated version of the full conversation - there are limits to my memory - and there was much more about how important it is to get into heaven in the original. Also more detail about the exact, and very specific requirements. But I was fascinated by two things. One, where in the Bible does it tell you to wear a tie, like Jesus did? And two, why isn't it more widely known that to get into heaven, you just have to fulfil the requirements as outlined in leaflet D14.23? As long as you fill out the form right, and wear a tie, your visa will be approved. Easy, isn't it?