Scary peek inside a workmate's head

Random lunch conversation: who would you be, if you could (had to) be someone from the Wars? (This being England, of course, there are only two Wars under discussion.) I said Mata Hari, no contest; if you gotta be in a war, pick the sexy, exotic character who's not actually shooting or being shot at, most of the time. Plus, she probably got the best nosh.

Batshit workmate Lucy said, a kinky SS girl. Okay, I'm thinking, dominatrix stuff, shiny boots, fine. Yes, she says, she really wants to be able to torture people.

Oh.

Yes, with a long cigarette holder, and lots and lots of red lipstick, and suspenders. And the hairstyle with two plaits over the top of the head.

Well, we were all agreed that the plaits made it quite charming.

But then again with the torturing. Torturing Irish people, and scousers, and Arsenal fans. And making lampshades of their skin.

At which point we steered the conversation rapidly towards amusing forms of torture. Like charades, and karaoke, but with a German accent, ja. And so to Rolf Harris.

It was the best we could do.