Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I'll make you laugh. I'll make you cry.

Actually, I won't make you do either of those things, but today's Guardian just might.

First, the funny (shamelessly cribbed off the internet, but never mind): the ballad of the wrong trousers. Makes you want to immediately hunt down all other items on offer from this seller, doesn't it? If only we knew who he was...*

Right, now that I've softened you up and you're feeling all warm and giggly, go look at what that horrible Tony's saying these days about climate change policy.

Apparently, it's terribly important to meet "the clear desire of our people - which is to find a way of combining rising living standards with the responsibility to protect our environment". Well, yes. Having cake, eating it. Natural human desire. But since it's quite obviously not possible to do both, shouldn't someone take responsibility for keeping the planet - that means us - alive a bit longer? Shouldn't that someone be the socalled leaders of the free world?

This is particularly agonising when you recall that, as pointed out by George Monbiot not long ago, big corporations actually need government to lead the way. (Curse that economic imperative.) Companies don't want to lose out to their eco-unfriendly (but cheaper) competitors; governments don't want to distress voters by, say, making the price of air travel actually approach the cost to the planet; so nobody does anything and we all hope that wind farms will save us. As if.
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* Thanks to Omar, who tracked down the post, now we do know. And he has a blog. Now the only question is, what was going on with the Guardian; probably they ran a whole meta-media-type article on the pants, and the coverage they got, in the actual paper, but something happened in the digital translation. At least, that's what I hope happened.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Trivial pursuits

Pub quiz tonight.

[flexes brain]

May I have telepathic access to all your brains tonight? Thank you. We have a trophy to defend, you know.

Update: well, you lot just suck at this, don't you? Try harder, guys. When I ask for Lenin's real name, "John" is not what I'm after. (Vladimir Getyatopoff also won't cut it, as it turns out.) Okay? I guess I didn't make clear just how important this was. We were defending a trophy, and our reputation. And we failed. Even Norfolk & Chance* beat us - by just one point. One. Come on, if one of you had been able to recognise the intro to Alice Cooper's Poison, the humiliation would have been less complete. As it is... well, thank godlings I don't have to show my face in the office today. Is all I can say.

I appreciate the Aldous Huxley tip, though. Don't know which one of you knew he died on the same day as JFK, but that was prime trivia. Well done.

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* Say it quickly, with a Northern accent. Hur hur.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

My new favourite site

PainInTheEnglish.com.

For Lynne Truss fans and others.

Wanted: new psyche

Can I trade in my mind for one that doesn't respond to "I feel fat" with "I need chocolate"? Or to "I have so much to do" with "ooh, cube bugs!"?

How is it that a perfectly acceptable brain, no scratches or dents, logic circuits all functioning (on a rational level), can make this kind of error?

Friday, October 21, 2005

Blah. Blahblahblah. Also, blah.

To bed at 11. Up at 1.30 to let the cat in*. Up at 3.30 to let the cat out**. Beloved up at 5.30 to let the cat in.

Between 1.30 and 5.30 I dozed a little. After that, not at all. You know what time I had to get up today? 9.45. That's how long I could have slept in. In theory.

I got up and tried to surf myself to sleep, but the internet was broken. (Seriously. Everyone and their aunt - not you, extemp - must have had the same idea.) Only thing that wasn't broken was Cube Bugs. Which was actually not a bad idea, since by the time I had done level 16, my eyes were going squiffy and I thought I could sleep some more. I almost could.

I think I have to quit drinking coffee.

Also, the thyme on my kitchen windowsill is all mouldy, the mint is all brown, and the basil is all anaemic. What's up with that?

But on the plus side, today I'm going to have an enormous mocha milkshake*** at Ed's Easy Diner, and then I'm going to the legendary Ronnie Scott's to be a member of a Live studio audience! for something or other. I have no idea, really, a friend had tickets. Then back to the office, where I'll doodle over some freelance work, and then to a birthday dinner at Ciao Bella.

There are worse ways to spend a Friday.

Edit: By the time I'd taken a bus from Vauxhall to Trafalgar Square - i.e., right through the thick of Westminster, also known as Tourist Central - the sun was shining in that particularly delicious way it has after heavy rain, and I was filled with a remarkable sense of wellbeing. I smiled indulgently at the ridiculous tourists taking pictures of each other in red telephone booths****, and the even more ridiculous Queen's Guards on their beautiful black horses who have to stand still all day. (Poor horses. They never signed up for this.) I beamed at Alison Lapper on her plinth*****. And when I actually sat down at Ed's, I positively chortled at the lovely lady handing me an Oreo cookie shake.

And then the taping was enormous fun. It was for a radio show called It's Been a Bad Week, which pokes fun at current affairs - a bit like Have I Got News For You! but with sound effects. Lots of unfortunate bird flu jokes and other bad taste. Loved it. Especially the retakes - so much fun watching actors pissing about, making off-colour jokes, trying to throw each other off balance... Altogether though, it was a wonderfully oldfashioned experience, sitting in a smoky jazz club watching a radio show being performed. Or perhaps "timeless" is the word. Anyway.

I'm in a really fabulous mood now. Unreasonably fabulous. Must be the lack of sleep.

Oddly enough, the poll on the company intranet today is "How are you?". Yes, they're scraping the bottom of the barrel, and yes, that's funny in itself. I found it peculiar, though, that the three possible responses were: "Fine thanks", "Could be better" or "Not good. Not good at all." Clearly it's inconceivable that anybody at work on a Friday afternoon could be feeling any better than just, oh, fine...

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* For those who question why I let the cat in on demand: she keeps scratching at the door till I do, so I can't sleep anyway. Also, I'm not completely heartless, it could be raining.
** For those who question why I let the cat out on demand: she turns into a monster freak who wanders around yowling, scratching the bed and/or knocking things over until I do. Sometimes she's perfectly happy to be scooped up, dumped on the bed and drowsily scratched into restfulness (takes about 1 second). Sometimes she's still perfectly happy for this to occur, but instead of falling asleep, after 10 minutes she'll bounce up and resume the crazy.
*** Or maybe a mocha and brandy. Heh. That'll cheer me up.
**** Something Beloved definitely, absolutely, never even considered doing. Nope.
***** "But is it art?" Hell, yes.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Get your feminist freak on*

I once read a wonderful, wonderful quote that sadly, I can't exactly remember. The gist of it was this.

A suffragette (nobody famous) was asked to explain what feminism was. She said feminists wanted everybody to be allowed to be themselves, to be independent and empowered. Her interlocutor pointed out that many men were not so lucky. "Then they should become feminists," she answered.

May I direct you to: the Carnival of Feminists. Should be about a week's worth of brilliant reading in there. Have a ball**!
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* No, that doesn't mean we have some man-hating content here, and if you say that again I'll bitchslap you. I pack a mean slap. Be warned.
** Nope, still not with the man-hating. Stop that, now.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

What is it about the number 7?

7 THINGS I CAN DO
Knit like the fabulous fibre fiend I am.
Make legendary lasagne, pecan pie and seafood risotto. But not all at the same time. Not enough dishes.
Multitask like a mofo.
Meet any deadline, no matter how ridiculous. I have my own personal time thingy. (You know, like those cylinder things the time monks have. YOU know.) Sadly, it’s deadline specific, I can’t use it to rewind time to prevent my foot entering my mouth, which it does with distressing regularity.
Spell.
Pay a compliment. I’m always amazed at how much it means to people. There is a serious lack of complimenting in our lives. Reader! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go make someone happy: tell them they did something well. Obviously, only if they actually did.
The bendy bits of yoga.

7 THINGS I CAN’T DO
Sew. Sewing machines, they hate me. It’s just that simple.
Cook or bake anything that requires me to measure things. Or pay much attention.
Keep foot out of mouth.
Sing.
Stick to a budget, or a diet.
The balancing bits of yoga.
Pay attention.

7 THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME SEXUALLY*
Physical details, impossible to describe, that have to do with hands, shoulders (in men) or hips (in women), lips and eyes.
Leather.
Lightly tanned skin.
Lack of self-consciousness.
A soft, low speaking voice.
Buying me presents.
Being my Beloved.

7 THINGS THAT I SAY MOST OFTEN
SO no.
It wasn’t me, I didn’t do it!
I love you gorgeous!
Seriously, are they not the cutest cats in the whole world ever?
Seriously, I have to do something about the size of me.
What do you mean I can’t have more dessert?!
Just two more minutes… (after my morning alarm goes off)

7 (er, 3, but one of them's a biggy) THINGS THAT SCARE ME**
Spiders. Not as much as they used to, though.
Steep slopes. Heights, not at all, but high gradient really freaks me out. I hate, hate, hate driving up that street in Oranjezicht – you know, the one that goes practically straight up Table Mountain – which is a bit of a problem since my very nice mother-in-law lives there.
Failing at anything.
Other than that, not much.

7 THINGS I PLAN TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Win the Booker Prize three times, because anything that twunt JM Coetzee can do, I can do better.
Travel across every continent, and every country in Europe (well, all the real ones).
Sail around the world – by which I mean, mix cocktails while the crew does the actual sailing. Note to self: buy really good sunscreen.
Jump out of a plane. With a parachute. I'm not suicidal.
Win a tango competition. Which will be tricky, since I'm a complete klutz, but nothing like a challenge.
Own pieds-a-terre in Cape Town, Paris, Zurich, London and New York – as well as my real home, a villa somewhere in the south of France.

7 PEOPLE I WANT TO DO THIS
Guyana-Gyal
Um…
The two people I’d most want to tag don’t have blogs, and I think the rest have already done it or been tagged. So hey. Take the baton if you want to, and leave a link in the comments.

Edit: Anon is now blogging, and has clearly left himself wide open for this one. Tag! You're it!

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* I'm not going to restrict myself to just one sex. Being boringly monogamous, and the topic not being "reasons I love my husband", it's all hypothetical anyway.
** I pinched this one from Anne Arkham, because after Johnny Depp and Cate Blanchett, I ran out of celebrity crushes.

I want to be a biologist!

Well, no, not really. But I do want to be able to introduce names like bone-eating snot flowers to the lexicon. Don't you?

(Thanks, bumpycat!)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I may just have to break the habit of a lifetime

I have never actually followed a knitting pattern in my life. Well, I came close once, but ended up tweaking it significantly to please my whim. (My whim's remarkably fussy.)

But the Victorian section in the latest Vogue Knitting could have been designed just for me. I'd happily make and wear pretty much every one of those little beauties. In fact, that red coat looks remarkably like something that actually has been germinating in my brain for a while.

So maybe I'll see how I do at following patterns, rather than inventing my own. (Tweaking allowed.) I'm sure I could learn something in the process.

Ah, who'm I kidding? I may never get around to these. Oh, but I'd so like to...

Hours in the day, more of, must acquire.

Purple prose

Today I am clad head to toe in berry and plum shades. This being one of my two favourite colour families (the other is teal), I'm quite enjoying it. (Also, my aubergine lace tights are just lovely.) But! Quelle horreur!

Today's Daily Mail has a bit of puffery - it's so far from having any real content, I'm amazed they even printed it - on Madonna showing up at something or other clad head to toe in purple. Apparently this is the colour of the season (well, duh) and "she looks just fantastic".

I'm in anguish. I'm dressed like MADONNA! And my fashion choice has been approved by the DAILY MAIL!

Oh, the shame, the shame...

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Mary was touched by his noodly appendage

We all know, of course, that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created this beautiful world. But apparently some people are still denying this knowledge. They are even offering money for proof of evolution. Talk about desperate.

So I'm delighted to see that some of the faithful are posing their own challenge: $1 million dollars to prove that Jesus is not the son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

That should clear this right up.

And if that doesn't do the job, maybe we'll learn the truth when we learn to read God's graffiti.

Fiction in real life

I was only a little startled to see the following sign when travelling through King's Cross* yesterday.



But when I met this political campaigner, I realised the barrier between fiction and reality was getting dangerously blurry.



So I've called in an expert. Anyone with evidence of similar incidents, please report them to the authorities. Where will it end? Vetinari in Number 10?

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* Poor JK Rowling. Let down by research, lack of. As London-living Potter fans would know, the supposed barrier between platforms 9 and 10 that you have to run at to catch the Hogwarts Express does not, in fact, exist. At least, not at King's Cross. She was actually thinking of Euston. True story. So this sign is somewhat randomly placed, in the general vicinity of platform 10.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

To everything (turn, turn, turn...)

Every city, I believe, has its season. Just think of the cliches: “Paris in the spring.” “Autumn in New York.”* I always thought my favourite season was spring, but I’m starting to realise it depends entirely on where I am.

In Cape Town, it has to be spring. There’s a special, indescribable smell in the air about two days before all the oak trees pop their new leaves; a fresh, green smell full of energy and excitement. I have a lousy sense of smell, but somehow I’m attuned to this one; most of my friends say they don’t know what I’m talking about, and I have never detected it in any other place. But Cape Town in the spring. It’s beautiful. It’s that smell. (Well, it might also be those budding oak trees, and the flowers, and the clear blue skies, before everything gets sweaty and infested with tourists… but for me, it’s the smell that defines it.)

Johannesburg is incredible in summer. Hot, dry air, but lush gardens and green treelined streets**. (Or purple treelined streets, as the case may be. All those jacarandas.) And best of all – the afternoon thunderstorms! Glittery blue skies cloud over, the light turns ominously purple, then bang! crash! bazoom! Buckets of rain coming down in huge, warm drops. Mad lightning temper tantrums. Then it’s over, everything’s calm and fresh, and the air is electric-smelling and rosy as the sun goes down.

Zurich comes into its own in winter. It’s remarkably lovely all year round, of course – old world romance on a lake? Hard to go wrong – but Switzerland means snow, let’s face it, and when everything’s sparkling like a great big wedding cake, well, that’s just right. Isn’t it?

But much to my surprise, I’ve concluded that London is an autumn city. Since I bitch so much about winter here - the darkness of the days, the interminable greyness, the relentless bloody length of the miserable season*** - you’d think I’d be sold on spring. And spring is good. Daffodils cheer a person up quite wonderfully after all that winter.

But autumn! Autumn seems to come more naturally. After the muggy confusion of the London summer**** – public transport is a horror, it’s so humid you can’t breathe and the sunshine is liable to give way to rain at the drop of a sandal - autumn makes sense in the same way that winter does in Zurich. When the streets are misty, they take on a properly Victorian mien, like the London you imagine from books. My jogging route through Osterley Park is suddenly quieter, more romantic, richer in colour and texture. Flocks of birds swoop over the lake; in fog, the park seems that much more like a working farm (which it is) and less like a suburban oasis (which it also is). The train to town takes me past astonishing bursts of red and orange among the hedges. The evening light over the river is purple, but rather than being brooding – like the purple storm skies of Joburg – it’s velvety and comforting. In autumn, London is mysterious, and grand, and cosy, all at once.

The only problem is that winter is coming.
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* Not that I would know. Never crossed the Atlantic, and my only visit to Paris (so far) was in summer. Not just any summer, either. That summer.
** Joburg has been described, perhaps hyperbolically, as the world’s largest man-made forest. There’s not much natural beauty there – let’s be frank: it’s a giant minedump – so they had to invent some. There are a lot of trees. Autumn is spectacular, but over in the blink of an eye. In summer, though, the avenues are beautiful.
*** Three good months in a year is not the way it’s supposed to be. Three months bad weather is about all we need, thanks. I’m from down south. I know what a real climate is.
**** Which is rather wonderful in its own way, of course. Long warm evenings and masses of free events – outdoor movie screenings, concerts, festivals – but also an unfortunate rash of pasty, podgy poms taking their shirts off. [shudder]

Perhaps that explains it

Beloved is upset with me. He claims I've been slandering the Swiss. I don't see it at all. Apart from pointing out - quite truthfully - that they're all bonkers, I haven't said anything objectionable. Have I?

However, I'm just about to.

Today's Worthless Word is ultramontane. Two of its three definitions* follow.

1) situated beyond the (Alps) mountains;
3) claiming an absolute supremacy or a privileged
superiority.

I think I now understand the Swiss a little bit better. Their sense of superiority is lexicographically induced.

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* The other is to do with the Pope and not relevant to present discussion.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Blogs as good as newspapers: Discuss

So "media critic" Jeff Jarvis maintains there is no clear distinction - nor should there be - between professional news sources and bloggers.

Well, if Yahoo! were indeed not distinguishing between the two, then my rant below could conceivably end up in search results right alongside the venerable Times and its ilk. Not convinced that's a good idea, myself. Although admittedly, it would be hard to mistake my spewing for Proper Journalism.

Thing is this. There are tabloid rags that sully the name of reporting, and there are informed, articulate blogs that raise this medium to a far more rarefied level. But there is still a distinction. Primarily this: that newspapers have to check their sources. Even on the shoddiest of student papers, contributions do at least get edited by another pair of eyes. Bloggers have no such constraints. Yes, I believe that is an important distinction.

I don't wish to sound patronising, but from the guff that lands in my inbox from perfectly smart, well-educated friends, I think it's clear that even smart and educated people are not always adept at recognising total tosh. Let's not confuse them. Or me. When I'm looking up a news story, I find it hard enough sifting through recognised news sources to find the most relevant and reliable information; I don't wish to have those search results clogged up with blogs that could be written by very articulate and convincing nuts. I can find those on Technorati, thank you very much.

Note: I'm not objecting to Yahoo!'s move to bring up blogs in a clearly defined separate section to the news - that's great. If I want comment, I can find both professional and independent comment in a single search. Lovely. But please, flag up what it is.

There's a side issue to this that intrigues me. If you decide the distinction between edited and non-edited writing is less important than, say, questions of tone and quality, then how to distinguish between the different types of blog? There are trade blogs, non-specific blogs by serious and well informed commentators, blogs with humorous intent, blogs with social intent, and blogs impossible to define. Blogs that succeed in these aims and those that, well, don't. There are blogs read by squillions across the globe, and blogs read by only the cockroaches crawling across their writers' desks. By and large, blog surfers of the world seem to do a fine job of filtering these for themselves; it doesn't take long to find the A list in any sector, or those that appeal to you particularly, and it's easy to tell those written for friends and family from those written in a bid for world media domination. All these have their merit. (Except maybe the cockroach ones.) I'd really rather not worry about where my own site fits into all that.

Please. Let's not get antsy about fitting into the formal news regime. We're not formal news. That's sort of the point. Isn't it?

Ooh!

One for the blogroll:

Sunshine.

Cos why? Cos it's a movie blog. Blogging the production of a big ol' Hollywood SF flick. Spaceships. And Chris Evans. And Michelle Yeoh. And Cillian Murphy. And it's by Danny Boyle. (Those two seem to like each other, eh?) And, oh yes, Jane Fonda's son* is in it too.

Now, I admit the chances of us getting gratuitous topless shots of Chris are slender. But this could be fun, no?

_____
* Shame. Troy Garity goes to all that effort to not use her name, and there I go and be mean.

My oh my

From Gendergeek, a worrying look at how pseudo-religion (Scientology) can make an already terrifying experience (childbirth) even more traumatic, as well as highly repressive (for the mother) and life-threatening (for the baby).

Save Katie now!

Pee Ess

You see that word verification thing? Yeah. I know. But pretend it's a game, and give me definitions for the words you get, okay? Then maybe it'll be less annoying.

Leadership battles, SA style

The good news: people are mad at Mbeki*. The bad news: they'd rather have someone neck-deep in scandal.

Choice quote: “I don’t care whether he is innocent or not. What matters is that he is being attacked because he is not a yes-man.”

Really? It doesn't matter that he's probably guilty of massive corruption? The idea that government leaders (let's not kid ourselves, Zuma's hardly the only one) are habitually using their positions to scrape every juicy scrap from government coffers, for themselves and their extended families, at enormous cost to the taxpayer and to the detriment of public services - that doesn't bother you? You feel South Africans have enough cash that we can afford to be stolen from?

Well. That's certainly a fresh perspective.

And as for this: “This reminds me of the time when I was charged in the High Court in Pretoria. Everything inside the court was against me — from the police to the top" - you can NOT be serious. Trial one: for crimes against apartheid, perpetrated in the name of the oppressed masses. Trial two: for sordid theft, to put it simply, from those oppressed masses. (They will cease to be oppressed only when they escape their unimaginable poverty, and Aids, and constant deception by their greedy, morally bankrupt socalled leaders.)

Using your struggle credentials to fog up the worrying signs that you yourself are now the oppressor - how dignified.

Grumble grumble grumble. Sometimes I hate reading news from home.
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* Not that having an unpopular president is a good thing. But they should be mad. Just maybe not for this particular reason.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Does it got any sports in it?

Okay, so stealing is bad, but I know there are more of you out there who really need to read Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, via The Princess Bride.

(Thanks, Cate!)