How to complain

A letter to Parcelforce head office.

Dear Sir/Madam

Subject: Customs charge on parcel consignment # EC762587744GB

I think I’ve discovered Parcelforce’s secret mission. Do I get a prize? Do I get a handsome payoff to buy my secrecy? Because I’m pretty sure the secret mission – carried out behind the mask of a respectable parcel delivery service – is to reduce the citizenry to gibbering wrecks. No doubt there is some archvillain behind it all, with a fluffy white cat and a golden gun. If I’m right, then I must congratulate you, because at least as far as I’m concerned, you’re very close to achieving your goal. And Mercury isn’t even retrograde.

While I was on holiday in December, your henchmen attempted to deliver a parcel on which a customs charge of £131.43 was owed. Naturally they left the standard letter, a copy of which is enclosed. I have highlighted where this letter makes the claim that “you can now pay these charges by debit or credit card over the phone”. Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve received this letter, but it was the first time I’ve been sucked into the hideous web it conceals, since on previous attempts I had given up on having the phone answered. But being a foolish optimist, I tried again, and was delighted to have the phone answered.

I was less delighted to be told that no, I couldn’t pay over the phone, that was a ridiculous untruth and the only way I could pay by credit card was to drive to the depot. I asked to speak to the manager and was put through to the main voicemail menu (one of the devil’s foremost inventions, but never mind). On my second attempt at calling, I spoke to someone who was happy to take my card details – but only a credit card; apparently debit cards are, as far as Parcelforce is concerned, also the work of Satan, and not in a good way. But never mind. I gave my details and was promised delivery by 29 December. This conversation took place on the 23rd.

Apparently the first minion had it right, though: you can’t pay by card. At least, not without consequent trauma and brain damage (the latter caused by banging head against brick wall).

On 29 December, no parcel arrived. On 30 December, I summoned my courage and phoned the depot. I was told that there was no record of any credit card payment, and that the depot would call me back. Someone did indeed call me quite shortly, and said simply that the parcel was out for delivery that day – nothing about payment. And indeed, a delivery man arrived shortly thereafter.

But! The plot thickens! He too claimed that no payment had been made, and he had to get a cheque from me. Since I needed the contents of that parcel urgently, and feared (rightly, it seems) that clawing it out of Parcelforce’s unwilling hands might be difficult if I waited till the payment issue was resolved, I handed over a cheque. He assured me that there would be no problem in getting a refund, should one be needed. Naturally, he lied. Is he now in line for a promotion up your ranks of evil?

I checked my credit card statement online and sure enough, Parcelforce had debited £131.43. So I immediately got on the phone. And was told someone from the depot would call me back.

Rinse, repeat. I have now made four calls to Parcelforce about this issue. Every time, I am promised someone will call me back. On Monday, I was promised that a supervisor would call me back, thus lulling me into a false sense of security that my problem was being taken seriously. Cunning! I see now that this was all part of the evil plot. Because, obviously, nobody has been in touch, and I’m still waiting for an explanation, an apology, and a refund.

Which really would be nice.

If you can provide all or any of the above, please email [spambait expunged]. I’m positively salivating in hope of Exciting Revelations.


Yours in anticipation


[The Scrivener]

cc Parcelforce London North West depot
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