Consequences: a Cautionary Tale

For years I was too scared to do it. I believed I just wasn't that kind of girl. It seemed wrong, and dangerous - imagine what would happen if I weren't careful! I'd be humiliated. It would be far worse than being the only girl not doing it.

So I kept to the straight and narrow for a long, long time. But the pressure built. Everyone could see I wasn't doing it. And I was certainly tempted. Maybe if I did it, I too could be cool...

As I got older I became more adventurous, and finally, I thought, what the hell. I'm a big girl. I can do it.

I gathered all my courage. I went into the pharmacy to get the necessary. And then I did it.

I sprayed my legs with self-tan.

You have to understand, I have always been the whitest girl I knew. In sunny SA I was a laughing stock. I thought when I came to rainy old England, I'd fit in - but with a tanning lounge on every corner, and cheap Ibiza holidays a dime a dozen, I was sadly mistaken. (In fact, Londoners now seem to be more tanned than Capetonians, who have developed a healthy respect for the ozone-free sun they live under.) So, I hide my legs in shame under long skirts and trousers; they never see the light of day, so they never achieve even the faintest shadow of a tan, so they stay hidden. It's a vicious cycle. This year, I decided, I wanted to wear shorter skirts, allow my calves to feel the free air. I felt, as a safety precaution and duty to my fellow citizens, I should at least lessen the reflective glare off my snow-white skin. So, abandoning a lifetime's caution, telling myself the products were better these days and I didn't have to be left with the dreaded orange streaks, I grabbed the Ambre Solaire No-Streaks Instant Light Bronzer and I sprayed.

I'm older and wiser* now. And I'm here to share with you the lessons of my experience.

Lesson the first: when they say "avoid knees"**, they really mean it.

Lesson the second: I'm not too sure how this works, but while it does indeed dry instantly, don't think a drop of water running down your shin won't leave a white streak the next day.

Lesson the third: similarly, as dry as it may be, wearing socks too soon after application will leave you with a sock tan. Go figure.

Lesson the fourth: if you're born with pasty blue-white melanin-free skin that refuses to darken even under the African sun, embrace it. Because there is no way that even the gentlest fake tan is ever going to look natural with your skin tone. Seriously.

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* By a day. It counts.
** Not that it does say so on this particular bottle, but luckily for me I read every bottle on the shelf. And still got burned. Not sunburned, I mean, burned in the figurative sense. You know.