Notes from the culture divide: Greetings

A tripartite, colourful divide, this.

1(a) Generally, in SA, “Howzit!” is not a question. Is a greeting. To be answered only if you’re feeling “funny”, with “It’s fine thanks, and yours?”

(b) However, this does not pertain to black South African usage. When working in a strongly multiracial newsroom, I found that my colleagues answered “howzit” with “okay, thanks, and you?” and expected a similar response to their own howzits.

2. Since arriving in London, I haven’t quite been able to work out the phrase “all right?” It seems to be used in a similar way to “howzit” – viz, casually, instead of “hello”, rather than sincerely, with emphasis on the question mark, as in “how are you?” An answer does seem to be called for, but what? “Hello” is plain wrong. “I’m fine, thanks, and you?” is taking it way too seriously. “Yeah, all right,” kind of fits, but it just seems downright rude.

The only certainty I have acquired on this issue is: the appropriate response to “all right, darlin’?” is to raise your nose daintily and walk right on by the construction site.

3. Back in the rainbow nation. If you speak to a total stranger on the phone, do not be surprised to be asked “how are you?”, with every sign of sincerity, and to spend a few minutes exchanging pleasantries before learning why they are calling (or being able to explain yourself). No, they don’t have you confused with someone else; no, you haven’t forgotten meeting them. They are being nice. Be nice back.

I got entirely too used to this, and found myself doing the same after moving to London. I can tell you, Scottish call centre employees get very, very confused at being asked about their state of wellbeing.

4. Around Christmas and New Year, black South Africans will shake your hand a lot and say “Compliments!” Kisses may be exchanged. It’s not because they like your dress. It’s short for “Compliments of the season.”

5. I’m on a roll now, so let’s take a short trip to Europe. In England, women occasionally kiss on the cheek in greeting. One kiss. One cheek. At least one girl must be involved; men do not kiss. In France, I believe, a kiss on each cheek is appropriate, and unisex. In Switzerland, however, there is a universal conspiracy to confuse the crap out of me, because whoever I’m kissing, their idea of the right number is different to mine. One? Two? Three? Whatever I’m not going for, that’s the right answer.