German efficiency where you need it most

Public service notice: should you need a Schengen visa, do not go to France (or the embassy thereof). Go to Germany. It's a much, much pleasanter - and faster - experience.

In other news, while everyone has been telling us we can surely afford a much better flat in Ealing than in central London, this appears to have no bearing on reality (as purveyed by the local estate agents) whatsoever. After a whirlwind tour of, um, 10 flats today, they've all collided in my head in a grungy melange of icky bath goo, peculiar colour choices, your granny's light fixtures (not mine; my gran's got taste) and, most of all, dark, cramped spaces. Without any cupboards. Anywhere. A special mention goes to the flat that had an amazing view, through huge windows, over treetops and rolling park and hillside - but that also featured Chinese-style paintings on the side of the (pink) bath, which was sprouting some kind of new life form around the taps. We won't discuss the kitchen. Or the "newly decorated" flat that had a brand new kitchen, but everything else was imprisoned in 1980s Durbanville, without possibility of parole.

Last of all ("psychology, you see") we were shown, with a great display of pride, a flat that really was done up very nicely. Oodles of cupboard space. Immaculate finishes. An incredibly lovely landscaped garden (on a one-bedroom flat!) and top quality kitchen equipment. The landlord was even, we were told, willing to remove unnecessary furniture. Just two small problems: one, the beautiful garden was metres away from a major thoroughfare, putting paid to any hopes of a peaceful afternoon in the sun. Two, the flat was nowhere near our specified, non-negotiable location. Pretty darn far away, in fact. About an hour's walk from the required tube line.

Sigh.

So now we're thinking of looking in the sticks. You may have thought Ealing was already the sticks. You'd be wrong. We're thinking Osterley.

One last thing: hail. Honestly. Hail. What happened to spring? Seriously, where is it? I know I left it around here someplace earlier this week...