Over the Rainbow, out of their minds

Among my mail today was a sheet of folded newsprint - the size of a tabloid centrefold - entirely covered in fairly small black type, laid out apparently at random, with lots of boxes, some of which contain tables with smaller boxes. It's almost impossible to tell which page is Page One, or for that matter, where on the page one is expected to start reading. But I am a conscientious voter, and this looks like something to do with the election, so I persevere. After some careful navigation, I find that it seems to start with the following (all punctuation exactly sic):

Rainbow George's address
05/05/05
City Zen

Thanks to the futuristic, mystically directed Rainbow Connection Movement, and the Vote for Yourself Rainbow Dream Ticket that represents it in this election, the people of Cardiff and Belfast as well as many in London but sadly not in Edinburgh, will have the wonderful opportunity to come together to transform their cities into model 21st century leisure oriented ones.

Wonder cities, free of party politics, governed by their own citizens with at least three of them competing to stage the 2016 Olympic games.

Meanwhile you can help make the greatest connection ever by joining us for a five minute wonder on 05.05.05 at www.050505.tv. What is now required to make my dream a reality is for many of those amongst us who are generally sensible enough to vote for nobody at all, to register their revolutionary ticks next to their dream ticket candidates' names and a door will have been opened that nobody on earth can shut, so on 05.05.05 make a W.I.S.E.* choice.

I see this heartfelt plea (all of it) repeated in different layouts in various corners of the two-sided sheet. Clearly Rainbow George, whoever he is, really means it. Encouraged by this display of sincerity, I continue to search for answers.

I find two columns headed "What is a preferendum and how does it work?" While this devotes a number of paragraphs to emphasising that you should only tick a box if you support it, it completely fails to explain who is conducting the "preferendum", why, and what it hopes to accomplish**. It does admit that "You do not have to do anything with this P-Form: throw it away thoughtfully if you are not interested." Thoughtfully, hm? I'll be sure to scratch my chin and look serious while folding the paper aeroplane I'm already seeing fly out the window.

But I cannot just give up. I must give this important document the attention it deserves. I turn my eyes to the aforementioned tables, with numbered boxes saying things like, "Extend train operating franchises" and "Time limits on Second Chamber legislative process". It's possible, by close reading, to find the headings under which each party's policies are grouped. I gather this is how one is asked to express one's preferences.

One small table forms the Vote For Yourself Dream Ticket. Viz:
Make party politics and politicians redundant: government by preferendum.
The daddy state: D.A.D. (Directly Accessible Democracy): everyone able to participate.
Model 21st Century Cities. Environmentally excellent - Leisure oriented.
Competitions to attract the ideas and designs that appeal to people.
Rainbow Jubilee when all debts will become null and void.
(This is getting interesting.)
Replace money with an electronic currency called "The Wonder".
Free water, public transport, health and education, with blessings.
Phase in UNITAX - a single charge replacing all existing taxes - abolish duty on whiskey.
Cut the working week, restore the lost Sabbaths.
The Emerald Rainbow Islands Republic uniting the British and Irish peoples.

Now I'm excited. All existing taxes to be abolished - especially on whiskey! I wonder if they'll extend their generosity to gin, and Pimm's. Anything else would be discriminatory, surely. And to get free medical care, with blessings? Well that's just lovely. I have a very sweet GP as it is, but it would be marvellous to hear her bless me after every appointment. And bus conductors could definitely do with a few blessings, some of them get quite grumpy. Not to speak of state school teachers. I'm a little confused by the image of an all-green rainbow, but still, I have to know: what is this wondrous Dream Ticket all about?

I see two more small boxes - one on each side of the sheet - reading, respectively:
"I am eligible to vote in this constituency and, as first voter, would like you to count my policy preferences (tick to agree)"
and
"I am eligible to vote in this constituency and, as 2nd voter, would like you to count my policy preferences (tick to agree)"

This isn't terribly helpful. I'd like to know what exactly is meant by "first" and "second" voter, and what exactly they plan to do about my preferences. But possibly this is some weird English thing I'd understand if I were born here, and had the benefit of their admirable education system. In any case, now I've opened the sheet, I find more opportunities for enlightenment.

There is a column on the inside fold headed "A REMARKABLE OPPORTUNITY", with the first paragraph beginning "-if not an historic one." It seems to be a continuation of text somewhere else, that I can't find. Oh no, wait, that's just running on from the headline. Got it now. Let's see... well, this seems to be the closest this, yes, remarkable document comes to an explanation. I'm still rather in the dark, but I do at least know that this endeavour - whatever its precise nature may be - is "not government funded" and that "we can, if we wish, and only if we wish - with no pressure at all - have a voice in a world dominated by the party blocs". Well, I find that very encouraging.

There are also, in extremely small print, two columns (divided by a lot more tables, and the REMARKABLE OPPORTUNITY) headed "CIVILISATION The Manifesto of The Vote for Yourself Rainbow Dream Ticket (DTP) Government by Preferendum 2005". Frankly, as intrigued as I am, I can't bring myself to read this grey fog. I want a precis. There isn't one, so I skim. Well worth the effort, when I read: "A puissant, noble and able people find themselves not in a democracy but in a poligarchy (5)." A footnote! ("Government of the people by the party for the politicians", is the explanation.) They must indeed be mystically connected to me. And I do rather like being called "puissant" and "noble". Wait, do they mean me? I'm not of these Emerald Rainbow Isles, after all. Hm. I'll just choose to believe they do. I get the impression this lot is quite keen on the power of positive thinking.

So comforting myself, I pass on to: "Money and what people will do to get hold of the stuff, coupled with the force of 'the market', has distorted value systems and cultures throughout the planet and led the growth of resource consumption to suicidal levels - and the resentment of ancient societies." Indeed. We seem to be getting to the good stuff here - the proposed end to money.

I'm beside myself. "The DTP suggests the 'Wonder' as the fixed unit of exchange in various denominations up to the Miracle but the important 'recycling' of currency happens as we spend, not as we earn." Now how does that work, I wonder? Oops - did I just spend something? Let's get the juicy details. I'm eager to understand their economics.

"About a hundred inefficient, oppressive, intrusive and ineffectual taxes are eliminated and replaced by a simple primary energy duty - UNITAX - which is embodied without paperwork in every economic activity in exact proportion to our spending, quality of life and income." Ooh! But what if I have a really happy life but spend very little? Or if I spend lots (frankly I'm already planning to run to the shops, Visa card in hand, having read the earlier promise of an "end to all debt") but haven't had a job in years? Which part is in proportion then? Hey, maybe it cancels out to zero and I don't pay UNITAX at all. Cool.

Apparently I don't have to worry about being jobless, because "everyone has at least enough to live on as a non-selective basic income - 'blessing' - (solving, on the way, the 'pensions crisis')". Oh, so I can't expect to get blessed on the bus then. Pity.

Let's get down to brass tacks. How do they feel about business, eh? What if I do want a job after all? "Trade is unfettered but polluters will find they pay dearly and there will be benefit in recycling, making things last longer and in employing people - but for fewer hours: a leisured society in a beautiful places [sic]."

I'm sold. They've got my vote. They wouldn't promise all this without being able to deliver, for that would make them just as bad as all the other politicians.

Where do I sign?
_____
* Elsewhere, through scrutinising letters about 1mm high - really - I find that this simply stands for Wales Ireland Scotland England. I was hoping for something a bit more esoteric.
** It also includes a credit to the "design consultant". I won't publish their name. Frankly I'm surprised they allowed themselves to be named. Maybe it's actually their archrival's name, and they are rightly thinking that being blamed for this disastrous bit of undesign will ensure that said rival never works again.